Mr. Condom is Our Friend...

Hello again!
Interestingly, I've been getting "letters..."  Well, emails and Facebook messages with questions, a la "Dear Abby."  Kind of fun, really, but totally unexpected.
And... we're off to the races!

Dear Mama K~
I have a hard time bringing up the topic of using protection when faced with the option of sleeping with someone new. I mean, once we are in the heat of the moment, it's kind of hard to say "Wait a minute - did you bring 'anything'?"  And if I bring it up beforehand, I feel like it's putting the cart before the horse. And if I bring them, am I bringing the right size, brand, etc.? It's so confusing!
How do I handle this?

~Awkward

Okay, Ms. Awkward. First off - if you're having physical relations before you're even comfortable TALKING, I can't help but think "WTH?" 
I'm not being judgmental, just practical. It's hard for me to imagine getting naked with someone I can't even have a good conversation with. BUT... that's me. I'm old. My hormones don't shout at me all day, like yours do at you. 
So, in a general sense, my response to EVERYONE who asks about this is pretty much the same:

Mr. Condom is Your Friend

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we've had this conversation before.
If I'm not mistaken, you had it somewhere between Sixth and Ninth grades. So, let's not pretend
that this is the first time the idea has ever occurred to you. So, WHY, my dears, is it such a difficult
concept to grasp? No glove, no love. Period. I've heard the lame excuses...

I don't like it.  (Oooo!  That's so "fresh" and "new!")
It's expensive. (Do you have ANY idea how expensive a crib and diapers are?)
I'm not comfortable. (Pregnancy and STDs are REALLY not comfortable. And they're the Gift that keeps on giving!)
I'm awkward. I don't like to bring it up. (Seriously, if you're not ready to talk about condoms, you're not ready to take off your clothes with someone.)

On and on the excuses go.
I say, and quite emphatically, "RIDICULOUS!"

When you wind up becoming a parent, or going to a clinic for diagnosis of your weeping, irritated genitals, it's not only going to be a  LOT more "uncomfortable" and "awkward," it's going to be "humiliating." And, if you've had multiple partners, I can't imagine that somehow making that call to let them know that you've exposed them to heaven knows what, THAT is going to be a breezy conversation. "Yeah, um, John. About that time we... Well, I wanted to tell you--well, I didn't really WANT to tell you, but I have to..."

Or that conversation with the girl you met three weeks ago, when she calls to say "Um... Jason? I don't know how to tell you this, but, you're... we're... I'm... yeah. Pregnant. I don't know your middle name yet, or where you're from, or if you're actually a closet serial killer, but, you're the father of a child neither one of  us wanted."

Uncomfortable? Awkward? Don't like it?

When my clients confront these issues--even when it turns out that there is a final "negative" result, I see them going through so many phases of guilt, fear, anxiety, and just plain being overwhelmed, that I can't figure out why they left that particular door open in the first place! Seriously, birth control does NOT protect against STDs. It isn't even infallible in preventing pregnancy; but it's a lot more dependable than, say, crossing your fingers and wishing.

Man up, all of you. Whether you're male or female, respect yourself. INSIST on using protection.
That's why it's called protection.

"But I'm on The Pill, and Mark is such a nice guy. He told me that there's no chance that he's been exposed to anything.
If he is not a virgin, there's a chance, even if he doesn't know about it, himself, yet.
"But, Kathy is a lovely person, and she assured me that she's on the The Pill, and there is NO WAY she's been promiscuous."
Uh huh. And you, being the charismatic guy that you are, are the ONLY man ever to persuade her to be intimate within 48 hours of meeting you.
"But we've been seeing each other for weeks, now. I'm sure we're safe."
Didja get tested?

Now that there are myriad STDs that are difficult, or impossible, to cure, EVERYONE needs to be careful. Even those of us who are "over the hill." Do you have any idea how many STDs are running rampant in group homes for the elderly?
According to the Orlando Sentinel, "Reportings of syphilis and chlamydia among those 55 and older jumped 43% between 2005 and 2009, the Orlando Sentinel finds in a study of CDC data. Syphilis climbed faster than the national average among those 55 to 64: Older adults saw a 70% rise in reported cases, 10 percentage points higher than the average for all age groups.
Meanwhile, chlamydia rose some 54% among seniors, twice the all-ages average."

And you were worried about Grandma or Grandpa making new friends when they went to that retirement community. Right.

People, people, people...
I care about you. I urge you to really care about yourselves. This isn't rocket science (no pun intended, guys). This is basic health.
Wash fruit before you eat it. Wash your hands. Cook foods to the proper temperature. Shower and brush your teeth. Wear protective gear when hiking, rock climbing, paintballing, biking, and playing football. Wear a helmet when riding a motorcycle.
Don't eat off of strangers' plates in a restaurant. Don't share needles. (I hope I don't have clients that need that one!) Wear sunscreen. Wear mosquito repellant in the woods. Don't eat 3-day-old unrefrigerated pizza leftovers. DO wear your seal belts.

And, for the sake of your reproductive organs (not to mention the rest of your body's organs), which I assume you want to have and use for the rest of your life, USE PROTECTION.

My best advice is to not have "casual sex" at all. There's nothing "casual" about it. It's a lot riskier than riding a motorcycle without a helmet.
Since I understand biology, and I understand "that connected feeling," and I understand that biology insists that we hurry up and reproduce; and once we have a drink or two under our belts our defenses drop dramatically, I know that Abstinence is merely good advice.
But it's not likely to be the first thought in your mind when your body is crying out to do its basic job. Reproduce.

So, when your pituitary gland is on fire, and hence, your genitalia, try to engage your brain long enough to consider the possible repercussions of obeying their urging. USE SOME FREAKING PROTECTION.

If you actually have a latent dream to end up on the Maury Povich Show, then I don't suppose you really care about these things.
But I do.
I care deeply. About you. About the men and women you might get to know in a Biblical fashion. About your unborn children.

Please, my friends.
Be wise.

You know I love ya.
Mama K