Holy Wild Monkey Dance, Batman!!!
In speaking with clients, friends, and even my daughter and her friends, I've discovered that relationships fall into about as many categories as one can imagine!!! Some of them must have already existed "in my day," but I don't remember having titles for them. Back in the olden days of the 70s and 80s, we were either in a relationship or we weren't. And if we were, we tried to stick to one person at a time, and do our best to see where it went.
Not anymore!
Now we have all kinds of relationships!
Friends
Just Friends
Friends with benefits (the "Benefit" isn't worth risking the "Friendship," by the way)
Seeing each other
Hanging out together
Hooking up
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Significant Other
Engagement
Married
Open Marriage
Etc., etc., etc.
I can't go on - it just gets more and more blurred and confusing!
So, I'll just say this about that.
If you are "Seeing someone" (hopefully that means actual dating and going out together), and neither one of you has ever talked about EXCLUSIVELY seeing each other, then don't take it for granted that you are "Boyfriend/Girlfriend." You're not. Unless it's been discussed, and it's official, neither one of you is the other's "Significant Other." Making assumptions like that can cause all kinds of trouble.
So, I hope we're clear on this. If you're OFFICIALLY anything on this list, that's what you are to each other. (That means you two have discussed it, and you both have the same "definition" of what stage your relationship is in. At. Whatever.) Otherwise, you're probably "Seeing Each Other."
And now, we have to discuss what goes on, there. Of course, I mean, physically. If sex is a part of your relationship, you can pretty much assume that "just friends" has been eliminated. "Just friends" don't have sex. Ever.
Now, you can be friends, or hang out with, someone you're not having physical relations with. (I encourage this!) You can also HAVE physical relations with someone who falls into one of those categories. The choice is yours. HOWEVER, remember to be clear in your own mind about what kind of relationship you're having. If nobody said it's more than friendship, it's not. No matter how much physical contact there is.
That's the confusing part, isn't it? That whole sex thing.
Know why?
Well, when we share bodies, we share a whole lot more than bodies. People have souls. We have "spirit bodies," if you will. People have individual energies which are also exchanged when bodies come into contact. That's why we touch each other. It is far more comforting to give or receive a hug on a bad day than it is to just hear or read comforting words.
Why?
Because of the intimacy of the energy exchange. The spiritual exchange.
So, people who claim that they have sex with no intimacy are lying. To themselves, and to others. It's unavoidable. Yes, even unwanted or "paid for" sex involves intimacy, even if neither participant is aware of it. Even if neither participant WANTS it.
Your energy field extends beyond your body. Think I'm full of it? Try it. Get close to someone without touching. Stay there a moment. There you go! You felt it! I know you did. Now touch hands. The energy has changed again, hasn't it? Now hug. See? Imagine all of the energy exchanged when things go a bit further!
That's why sex changes everything in a relationship.
It's also why sex should never be considered a casual exchange. Because it never is. Even if you think it was casual, it wasn't.
How can we choose to ignore our emotional, hormonal, and ever-so-human desire to just engage in wild monkey shenanigans, and wait for a better moment to exchange intimate energy? Well, it's not easy in today's world. But let's try and think of a few things that might make us hesitate at least a moment before plunging down a road that might just be a detour, and not a path to somewhere special. How about...
SET and keep PERSONAL BOUNDARIES. ("I won't just give in because it feels good. I'll wait until s/he deserves to know me intimately physically. Like after we know each other more intimately mentally. Or at least after we know each others' middle names and birth dates.") (Yes, that's a joke.)SET and keep PERSONAL GOALS ("If this would distract me from my real goal of getting to know each other better first, then I won't do it.")
BEING PATIENT. (UGH!!!)
ENJOY the ANTICIPATION of how it will be. (That one can be fun! Really!)
REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. You are a magnificent son/daughter of the Most High. Even when you don't believe it.
WORTH. (Yes, you ARE worth someone making a great effort to deserve the best of you.)
Above all -
HEALTH. You only get one physical body. Don't wrap it up and give it away to an STD.
Think about it. What is your most prized possession? A book? A work of art from your dear friend? A piece of Grandma's jewelry? Uncle Bob's truck? A picture of your favorite holiday? A letter from Dad?
Think.
Think how much you appreciate having that. It's a gift that you cherish. To you, no matter what its price tag might be, it's invaluable. It's precious. It's priceless.
Well, there ya go! What's under your clothing is ever so much more valuable and priceless than any article! I'm not just talking about your body. I'm talking about your spirit body, as well. If someone you are interested in isn't worthy of having that other treasured possession in their custody several nights a month, they s/he certainly isn't worthy of taking home some of your physical and spiritual body!
LOVE YOURSELF.
That's the ticket.
No matter what society, TV, movies, books, your friends, or your own desires say, love yourself FIRST.
Ah, Love!
That most wondrous, most elusive, most satisfying, most heartbreaking, emotion of all!
I've had the privilege of advising people about many of life's aspects over the past several years, and love is still the most difficult, confusing emotion we deal with as humans. I don't doubt for a moment that animals can feel what we call love. But even they seem to handle it better than we do!
For animals, love is simple. They feel it, they share it, they give it away. If it is reciprocated, great! If not, they don't seem to take it personally, or let it change their point of view. They just keep on giving it. Pack animals, in particular, seem to share a devotion and loyalty that humans can only admire. They don't question each others' motives. They don't require a "bargain" before acting out of love or loyalty. If you're one of theirs, it's a given.
So, why, oh WHY, do humans make love so complicated?
Well... it sure can be!
You see, our furry or feathered friends who "feel what we feel" don't do things in the name of loyalty or love that are reprehensible. We humans, on the other hand, are capable of doing things in the name of "love" that would astound the rest of the animal kingdom.
And therein lies the rub, as they say.
It's all about knowing what love IS.
Christians cite I Corinthians 13:4-8 when talking about love. A better definition is hard to find.
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails (NIV Bible)
So, there we go. Any time that we are doing something OTHER than these things, and we call it "love," we're missing the mark. If we're not being honest, if we're not being integral, if our love is conditional, we are not loving. We're just playing make-believe love.
So... I urge you to do the hardest thing you can learn.
LOVE YOURSELF.
If you love yourself, you'll always be loyal to yourself.
And THEN, you'll be in a position to love someone else.
Cherish all of your relationships! Each one is valuable in some way. Even the ones we don't want (that irritating person at work or school, that horrible boss or teacher) are valuable. They teach us about people, about life, about how to deal with difficult situations or people. And the GOOD relationships? Well, they are beyond any price! Treasure them.
Risk?
Possible pain?
Oh, yes. But that's another blog entirely.
I love you, my friends.
I really do.
Mama K
No comments:
Post a Comment