Daddy and the Christ Child

My dad drank.

For twenty-three years.

Non-stop.

I am the youngest of six kids. At the height of Daddy's drinking “career,” he was a devoted alcoholic. Name an ugly, violent, horrible thing that an alcoholic Aries might perpetrate, and he did it. Since this is a Christmas story of sorts, I won't belabor the fact with details. Picture the most harrowing of alcohol-fueled behaviors and you might come close.

And then there was the man inside the alcoholic. The person that was Daddy.

It was hard to get to know that man. Not only was he shielded by several layers of maladaptive, alcohol-hazed behavior, he was a walking contradiction.

Daddy fiercely loved his America, and unashamedly defended her at every opportunity. He also held deep spiritual beliefs, and expected us to do the same – with the small exception of attendance at church. He apparently didn't consider going to meetings on Sunday as part of his spirituality – but we kids had better go. (Besides, church was a wonderful refuge from home for a few hours a week. It was fine with us!)

You learn a lot from an adult in authority who can't even cope as well as you can by first grade. You learn to avoid behaviors that prompt negative responses. You learn to agree even when everything within you screams that it's wrong. You learn to listen – if for no other reason than self-preservation. And, you learn that even the most bizarre behavior (or disorienting “presentation”) sometimes contains little droplets of truth. You observe, you anticipate, and you learn.

Despite all of the unpredictability, all of the pathology (that we considered “normal life”), and all of the blatant weirdness, there were unforgettable moments of depth and revelation. Sure, we had to be mighty patient to wait for one of these moments, but as it turned out they were worth the wait. Maybe not the price, but the wait.

Christmas now, decades after Daddy's death, still carries some scars, and some priceless treasures. It's hard to watch anyone drink at a Christmas party and not worry - no matter how briefly - about the possible effect on that person's family. Yet, it's impossible to hear or read Luke Chapter Two without remembering Daddy. I think my brother put it best when he once said to me, “Only Dad can jump up from a drunken stupor, and yell that 'It's time to read the Christmas Story, damn it!' and really mean it to be sincere homage.”

Luke 2:8-14King James Version (KJV)

8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9 And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12 And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Nine times out of ten, he couldn't say those last fourteen words without a catch in his throat and a tear in his eye. We sat in hushed silence for a few moments after he read that passage every Christmas Eve, amazed by the tremendous transformation we witnessed in Daddy, and the reverence of those minutes. He loved the Christ Child, and I think he also loved the Promise that He brought.

He loved it so much that, when I was seven, Daddy woke up one morning and decided to stop drinking. Yep, just like that. He crawled out of that bottle, shook himself off, and began living. He didn't know that he would have only another decade in which to make up for lost time, but he lived as if he did know it. He learned new trades, graduated with a Doctorate in Tax Law, became an outstanding community leader, and worked for his living. He raised fruits and vegetables. He became one with Mother Earth. He talked to us sometimes as if we were people. He lived. It was impressive.

No, it was a miracle.

And so it is, that every year, when I read or hear Luke Chapter Two, I think of Daddy. I think of transformation. I think of miracles. Whether you are Christian or not (I never figured out if Daddy was or not), there is a miracle in the Story itself. The mere idea that a person can change, repent, and be loved again is, in and of itself, a blessing beyond description. It can pull a man out of a bottle. It can bring hope to the hopeless. It can become a catalyst for any number of miraculous events.

This year, watching A Charlie Brown Christmas with my beloved son Jonathan, I once again remembered Daddy suddenly waking from a whiskey-induced coma, demanding the Bible, and announcing, “It's time to read the Christmas Story, damn it!” And a small smile crept from my lips to my eyes as I told my son, “Your Grandpa was one of a kind. He would love you with all of his tattered heart.” Then we hugged; and, for a moment in time, I became my father. For I couldn't finish those last fourteen words without a catch in my throat and a tear in my eye – grateful for second chances, and for a conundrum of a man I still call “Daddy.”

And, for a little baby in Bethlehem of Judea, whose story – whether you believe it or not – brings a priceless promise.

I LOVE YOU! MARRY ME!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

First off, I'm thrilled for you!

Second... Well... 

After being married for a couple of years, I found myself wishing that there had been a sort of practical “exam” that a couple had to pass before taking that leap. Oh, we were in love, and had been for quite awhile, which is a pretty good reason to think about “making it official” and making a long-term commitment. And I have no regrets. But, that said, having never cohabitated before, there were a lot of things we simply weren't prepared for. In this blissfully ignorant state, we ended up arguing over the most ridiculous things you can imagine. From what music to play at family gatherings to which route to the park was the best; if it could be disputed, we disputed it. What an exercise in futility!

If I were to choose a “test” that a couple had to “pass” (or at least experience) before taking the plunge into marriage, I think it might include some of the following (along with some others that I haven't thought of, I'm sure.)

First, you can do the simple ones -

What are his/her three favorite foods, books, movies, TV shows, sports, etc.?

What her his/her three LEAST favorites of these? If he/she has a true aversion to this/these, are you willing to forgo doing/eating/talking about it in front of your partner? (This is a huge deal, no matter how much your partner says it isn't.)

You can make this fun – play your own version of the Newlywed Game! Ask relatively simple questions and see if your answers match. Of course, Rule One is that no one gets to become irritated or upset if there is a “wrong” answer. This is meant to help you learn what you know, and what you only thought you knew about each other. It's a learning experience, not a final exam.

1) Play a rather complex video or board game (like them or not) where you are on the same “team” for several hours.

Sure, this sounds ridiculous on the surface, doesn't it? But wait a second. In playing that game, you will discover several truths that can turn out to be significant. The only rule is to not criticize or ridicule your partner. As the game goes along, you'll discover that you each employ different strategies when faced with the same situation. If you play long enough (without breaking the criticism or ridicule rules), you'll also find that neither strategy is bad or good – they both have their strengths and weaknesses.

THIS APPLIES in life. Believe me.

Learning that you will not agree on everything is hugely important. Learning that just because you have different approaches doesn't mean that either one of you is wrong, is enormously important. Better to discover it before you tie the knot, than to spend a decade arguing senselessly over which route to Mom and Dad's house is the “right” one. They are both “right.” Cooperating with each other despite differing points of view is essential to working through issues that will come up during your life together.

2. Before you decide you want kids together, obtain a debt together.

Okay, now I've gone completely mad, right? No, I don't think so. Once again, it's learning to manage the “care and feeding” of something very important together. Your commitment to the debt (it can be as small as buying a piece of furniture on time) will not be the same as your partner's. 

Guaranteed.

While you both consider maintaining your credit to be of great importance, you might have very different ways of approaching that. Is one of you a “spender?” Is one of you a “saver?” Do you hold to your spending or saving habits as if your life depended on it?

Learning to communicate about debt can help you prepare to communicate when it comes to far more important issues, like raising a child. Please believe me – even if you believe that you have discussed “everything” when it comes to raising your kids, you haven't. You have not. Each child is a whole new bag of surprises, and not only will you have to change your approach according to each child's needs, personality, and skills; but you will also have to adjust your approaches in order to compromise and present a “united front” to your kids. (Otherwise, by the time any one of them reaches the age of two, he or she will have already figured out that the parents are not in charge, here. The child is. And no one enjoys living in that kind of madness – especially your child.)

God forbid, should you have a child with special needs, you will have to face a whole new world of opposition you never imagined existed – medical professionals, school personnel, family, friends, neighbors, maybe even politicians. If you can't agree on an approach, you won't ever be able to make life-changing decisions regarding your very special child. Please believe me – you do not want to face this kind of challenge unless you have a strong set of communication and negotiation skills already.

3) Make a “chore chart.”

I know, it sounds silly. Please do it anyway. Be sure that you include all of the “little” things that we do daily without really thinking about them. You know, the litterbox or dog poop duty, sorthing the mail, putting out the trash, putting dirty clothes in the hamper, cooking, doing the dishes, refilling the ice tray or the toilet paper – the little things that you do in a normal day because they have to be done. Sounds easy? Well, it's supposed to be.

So, identify these “silly” daily and weekly chores, decide who will do them, alternate them if you wish, but do make that list. Because one day, when you least expect it, the “x” number of times you or your partner DIDN'T do them will surely come up in an argument (about something else, mind you) and rise like a ghost from an undiscovered grave to haunt you.

4) Laugh together. A lot. Over anything and everything.

Even inappropriate things. Especially over inappropriate things!

Let's not think that I'm being unnecessarily cynical about marriage and partnerships. I'm not.

Really!

But the heart doesn't have a brain, and when it's engaged in other labors, the brain doesn't always have a heart. For this reason, I'm advocating doing these little “exercises” before you make any long-term arrangements – because, seriously, if we can't learn to discuss strategies to win a video game, we're really going to have problems when real life issues come up that we need to successfully negotiate.

And, very quickly, because it makes most of us more than a little bit uncomfortable... If you can't TALK about intimacy, you might have jumped the gun by participating in it beforehand. Know what I mean?

Just sayin'. 

Mazel Tov! 

Happy New Life!

Acceptance vs. Approval

And.... here we go again.

Much confusion seems to exist about these two words. So let's clarify, shall we?

Acceptance: 

 Webster's Dictionary
Function: noun
1 : the act of accepting
2 : the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable
Synonyms -

• acknowledgment
• admission
• compliance

• cooperation
• recognition

Approval:

  Webster's Dictionary
Function: noun
: an act or instance of approving
Synonyms - 

• blessing 
• confirmation
• consent
• endorsement
• go-ahead

• green light
• permission

Okay then...  
So, hopefully, by now we can agree that just because we ACCEPT something doesn't necessarily mean that we APPROVE of it. We accept that our kids, parents, friends, make choices that we don't agree with. For example, binge drinking, smoking, hanging out with people who aren't "good for them," walking out on a job, etc. 
That doesn't mean that we APPROVE of it.

When you make choices, which you have every right to do, it seems to me that it's not reasonable to assume that others approve of your choices, even if they accept that you have a right to make them. 
Let's please never get that confused. 

I accept that sometimes my cats leave fur or claw marks on the furniture, or "color outside the lines" of the litter box. That, in NO way, means that I approve of this.  In fact, I deplore it. I love the kitties; don't get me wrong. And I accept that part of having a cat is dealing with strange (or, normal for a cat,) behavior. But I don't, and won't ever, approve of my cat clawing up the hamper or the corner of the couch, or leaving parts of dead things at my doorstep that I have to clean up, or "missing his aim" when using the litter box. 
I do NOT approve.

The same holds true for decisions made by those I love. 

Just because I ACCEPT your choices, doesn't mean in any way that I AGREE with them, or APPROVE of them.  Let's keep this very clear, please. You are free to make choices, and I would never try to take that freedom away from you. You are also free to deal with the consequences - I will not pay them for you. And, just because I accept your freedom to choose, does NOT mean that I always agree with your choices, or think that they are fair, wise, or even sane. 

If you are my friend, or a member of my family, I promise to love you unconditionally.
However, I do not promise to agree with you, approve of every choice you make, or support you in what I consider to be a very bad choice. (I WILL, however, drive you home from the bar in the case that your choice on any given night is to drink too much!) 
;o)

But, I'm fair. Just as I can't approve of every decision or choice you make, I would never expect you to approve of every choice or decision I make. But I would ask that you accept my choices, as I accept yours. 

It's called Respect. 

I respect your right to be you. 
I respect your right to make your own choices.
I respect you. 

Out of that respect, I also reserve the right to DISapprove of a choice you make, whether you think I'm crazy or not. I don't disrespect YOU. I just can't fathom your reasons for making that particular choice.  It's called being two different people, I think. We all make the best choices we can, with the tools that we have, hopefully after considering the long-term effects our choices will have on ourselves and others in the long run. 

And so concludes today's "Word Clarification." 

I gladly accept your approval or disapproval of this little missive. 
:o)

Our Loved Ones Communicate With Us...

After our loved ones cross over, they are very anxious to let us know they are okay and are aware of what is going on in our lives. If we are not able to feel them around us, they will often give us signs that they think we cannot ignore. The person who is given the sign usually knows he or she is receiving a message from the other side.
The signs our loved ones give us most often are:

They come through as an ANIMAL. Our loved ones are able to use their energy to inspire an animal, such as a butterfly, ladybug, bird, or dragonfly - for a brief period of time. The animal does something it usually would not do, such as land on us, peck at our window, scream at us, show up often, or in odd places, etc.
They place common objects such as feathers, coins, or rocks in our path. Our loved ones like to place things over and over again in our path that were significant to them.

They give off fragrances. We can often tell our deceased loved ones are around us when we smell their perfume, flowers, cigar or cigarette smoke, or any other familiar smell they had. There is usually no logical explanation of why the smell is there.

They make songs come on at the perfect time. We know they are around when songs come on at the right time with the exact words we need to hear. Often the same song is played in many different places.

They come to us in dreams. One of the easiest ways for them to come through to us is in our dreams. All we need to do is to ask them to come, and they will. However, we should ask them to wake us up after they come, or else we will not remember the dream. A dream that is a true visitation will be very peaceful and we will know it is truly our loved one. We will remember this type of dream in detail many years later. (On the other hand, a subconscious dream may be frightening or feel bad. This type of dream is not your loved one.)

They show us the same numbers over and over. They loved to give us numbers that are relevant to them or you, such as birthdates, anniversaries - or repeating numbers, such as 1111, 2222, 3333, etc. These numbers may appear on clocks, billboards, or any other familiar place.

They allow us to feel peaceful for no reason. When our loved ones are in the room, they usually make us feel so loved and at peace. It usually happens at the most unsuspecting time, so there is no logical explanation for our sudden bliss.

They place thoughts or ideas  in our head. Because they in spirit form, our loved ones don't have an audible voice. Therefore, they give us messages telepathically. Pay attention to thoughts that just "pop" into your head. If something your loved one would say just pops in your head for no reason, it is probably him or her speaking directly to you!

They love to play with electricity. They turn electricity on and off. They like to flicker lights, turn the television and radio on and off, and make appliances beep for no apparent reason. This is because they easily access the energy of electric and electronic devices.

They make noises in our ears. Because our loved ones speak to us on a different, higher frequency, we may hear ringing in our ears when they are trying to get our attention. This is a sign telling you to listen to what they are saying.
WATCH YOUR PETS... They can see our loved ones who have Crossed Over far more easily than we can. This is also true for babies and children under the age of 6...

The list can go on and on, but these are the most common ways they let us know they are around. If you haven't received any of these signs, simply ask your loved ones to come to you to let you know they are okay. Tell them to come to you in a dream and to wake you up after the dream. Or tell them the sign you want to see. Whether it's coins, feathers, a certain song, something out of place - whatever you know will call your attention.

The more you are aware of the messages they are giving you, the more they will continue to allow you to know they are present. Be patient and persistent, and I promise that they will give you the signs you have always wanted. They are FINE - and ALIVE. And they want you to know that, and to be happy.
♥

The Greatest of These - Merry Christmas!

When faced with all of the hostility I'm seeing around Facebook (and other places) about whether or not people should ONLY say "Merry Christmas," in order to "keep the Christ in Christmas," I've been pondering... I love Christmas, and just about everything about it (just not the commercialization of it). I love the whole month of December, and enjoy every day of it as much as I can, whether people say "Happy Hanukkah," "Merry Christmas," "Happy Holidays," or whatever they say. The fact that they wish me a great December is truly appreciated.

But what is Christmas all about? If, indeed, one is a Christian, then one believes that it's about Jesus Christ. And what was Jesus Christ all about? Well, he was about Love. (Not hostility, not debating semantics about how we express Love; just Love.)
So... what is Love?
New Testament readers should remember I Corinthians chapter 13 pretty well, I think, and non-Christians would agree with what is says, as well, in my opinion.

1 Corinthians 13

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁴ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
⁸ Love never fails.
¹³ And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Back to the question at hand, what is Love?

If we use this reference as a guide, Love is kind (Webster's -  kind: adjective: having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others; wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others). Love doesn't seem to have room or time for discord, now, does it?

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Whoa - back up! Those are really deep, profound declarations!

Love bears all things. It can lift and hold up ANYthing?  Why, yes, Love can.

And it can believe all things? (Well, all true things.) Even the really hard to believe things? Yes, Love can.

Love hopes all things? (Webster's - hope: verb: to want something to happen or be true, and think that it could happen or be true.) Love is... hopeful? Yes, Love believes truly good things will happen.

Love endures all things? ALL things? I mean... life is hard. Is Love really that powerful, that it can endure even overwhelming joy, strife, pain, victory, loss, agony? Yes. Love can. And does. It can deal with the best or the worst in life. And Love itself endures - it lasts, and remains as it is, eternally.

Love never fails.
EVER? No, never. Love is so powerful that it never fails. If something is failing, maybe it just needs more Love. You know, that kind, hopeful, enduring Love.

Now, not everyone loves in the same way, to the same degree, or even agrees with the above definition of Love. But that's a theme for another day. We all love to the best of our ability, and I think that makes all expressions of Love worthy - perhaps priceless.

So, for the rest of December, whether someone says "Happy Holidays," or "Season's Greetings," or "Merry Christmas," or "Shalom," I'm going to hear them saying "I love you." 

In my experience, it's impossible to be offended when someone says "I love you," and means it.

So, Happy Merry I Love You Time to you all!

Love,
Mama K

GRIEF - the Loneliest Journey

Remember how Benjamin Franklin once said that nothing in this world was certain but death and taxes?
Well, I beg to differ. Or at least add one other thing - grief.
It's inevitable. In life, we experience many things - good days, bad days, love, joy, health, sickness... and the list goes on and on. And we all experience these things in different ways. Grief, that looming, inevitable feeling of absolute loss, is another life experience that we all share - but in absolutely different ways.

Grief is very personal. While all of the professionals tell us that we all experience "the stages of grief" -  (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) -  we all experience them in our own, unique way. A very personal way. No two people experience it in exactly the same manner. That's why I call it the loneliest journey. We can support each other, share our feelings of loss and pain, and help each other all that we can. But it's still a private journey for each of us. Very private. A shared road that each walks alone.

I'm not just talking about death, here. While that is an obvious cause of grieving, there are others. We grieve when our hearts are broken for any reason - a broken relationship; an unfinished pregnancy; a baby born with a disability; when we find out we can never have a child; when someone we love chooses a destructive path; when we get a devastating diagnosis for either ourselves or a loved one - the list goes on. We grieve for strangers when we learn of their devastation in a natural disaster or a horrific accident. We grieve.
ALL of us have a personal relationship with grief.

For something that we all share in common, it's certainly something that we don't talk about very much. It's hard to talk about. It's awkward. It's acknowledging that we are infinitely vulnerable, and it's baring our souls to others. We do not enjoy any of that. Imagine walking up to someone and saying "I'm fragile. I'm mortal. I'm vulnerable."  Yeah... not your everyday conversation, is it?
But it should be!
Because it's part of us, and it's ever so real.
In our society today, it's almost taboo to say, "I'm hurting inside, and don't know how to make it stop."

I vividly remember when my Daddy died, when I was eighteen. The days leading up to his funeral were filled with a thousand things to do. We grieved, off and on, but there was just so much to DO! Once the funeral was over, we were all pretty numb from all of the emotions we had felt throughout the day. Funerals are exhausting. We just seemed to want to sit and not think about anything in particular. Just... exist.
The next morning, when the sun came up, and the day began just as if nothing in the world had changed, I remember feeling like it was profane. How dare the world just keep turning? How dare people just get on with a normal day? How dare life keep on going, when there was such a horrendous tear in the fabric of ours?

But it did; and it does. And I hate it; and I love it.
I hate it, because it doesn't seem fair that the world doesn't stop turning in honor of the passing of a human being. It seems so disrespectful, somehow. Yet, I love it, because without that rhythm of life continuing, we'd never be able to grasp onto it and hold on for dear life while working through our grief. Oh, what a paradox!

My best friend's husband died suddenly two weeks ago. Just went to sleep, and didn't wake up in our world again. Just like that. He came home from work, ate dinner, had a beer, went to bed, just like any other night, and then just stopped being here. How does that happen? How do we wrap our minds around that?
Faith helps. Believing or knowing that we are eternal beings helps. But only a little. Let's face it - it doesn't help us understand how one minute we're here, and the next, we're not. That the transition from this life to the next is so sudden, so final, so blink-of-an-eye, that we simply can't understand how that happens.
Yet, it does.

Those who are left to deal with that awful, devastating, yet natural blow dealt to us somehow muddle through making the right arrangements, supporting each other the best we can, and sharing our love and sorrow. But, then what? How do we share our grief? In a way, we can't. I grieved for my father as his child. My mother grieved for him as his wife. My brothers and sisters grieved for their father - not mine. Because each personal relationship is different. His friends grieved for their friend - not their collective friend; each individual grieved in a different way. His mom? Well, the grief of a parent for a child who precedes them in death has to be the worst grief there is.

So, as I sit here with no answers to my real question - how can I help my friend grieve? - I'm sad. I'm lost. I'm angry that I can't diminish her pain in the slightest. I'm frustrated that all I have are words and tears. And I'm really upset that we, as a society, pretend that grieving isn't a lifelong process. That, somehow, a Magic Day will come when the grieving stops.
It. Will. Not.

But LIFE... life WILL go on. Right along with the various stages (and repeated stages) of grief. The lyrics of the Avenged Sevenfold song "Acid Rain" seem to me to illustrate it perfectly.
"Life wouldn't be so precious, dear, if there never was an end.
... Children still play in the garden,
Dance as the sun slips away.
Not even stars last forever.
Cleanse us, Acid Rain."

Tears can be acidic or alkaline. Tears of sadness, or grief, are acidic. Did M. Shadows know this when he wrote this song? I'll leave it to you, Reader, to guess.

My good friend Bernie once told me, "Love is forever, or it was never really love." Truer words were never spoken. And when you have forever feelings for someone, your grief will never end. It will transform, and it will eventually become less and less the central focus of your life, but it will be there, hiding in the corner, just waiting for an opportunity to remind you that you are still infinitely vulnerable and inevitably changed forever.

I still miss my parents. I still miss my brother. I still miss my friends. I still grieve over the loss of the son we thought we would have, despite loving the son that we do have. I still want to make it possible for other people to never go through this. But it's not to be.

We grieve, and while we grieve, each of us walking the same road together - yet alone, isolated by our personal grief - we endure one of life's greatest mysteries and learn one of life's greatest lessons - alone. If you're going to live, you're going to love. If you're going to love, you're eventually going to hurt more than you ever thought possible.

But... even with all of that, I wouldn't exchange never loving for never grieving.

As the Garth Brooks song goes, " I could have missed the pain. But I'd have had to miss the dance."
And life is for dancing.

Relationships 103 - Marriage vs. Singlehood

Ahhhhhh... the misconceptions of the unmarried!

While speaking with friends who are still single, I've discovered that there are still myriad misconceptions about married life – or attached life – that truly need a little addressing.

Before we go much further, we need to talk about this whole “happily ever after” thing.

So -

Stop.

Put the fairy tale down.

Put it... Put... Come on, ALL the way down. No, back on the shelf, actually. Go on, do it.

Sigh...

Man! That was really hard to do, wasn't it?

No more Disney princess movies or Grimm's Fairy Tales for you. OMIGOSH! No.

Let's be honest. When you say to me, “ But that's easy for you to say! You have someone!” I have to respectfully respond, “BWAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!”

Seriously? You think that once there's a ring on a finger or a shared house, all is well? All of the hard work is done? That you'll never, ever again be fearful, insecure, upset, or just plain confused? Oh, Sweetie... you're so wrong! NOTHING in a relationship is just smooth and easy. Nothing.

Loving someone, well, that CAN be easy. I mean, love is something that should come pretty naturally to all of us. While we often confuse things like attraction, lust, friendship, and crushes with love; real love is something that actually does “just happen.” At least, most of the time. We love our mom, dad, sibling, friend, dog, cat, gerbil – we really do. When we feel a devotion to someone's well-being that supersedes our own self-interest, we're experiencing real love. When someone else does that for us, it's wonderful (unless, of course, we don't feel that way for that person – then it's just awkward). And sometimes, it's even magical.

For the sake of argument, let's say that you've found someone you're crazy about, you're in love with, you adore, and he (or she) feels the same way about you. “Well,” you think, “Game over! I've won! The hardest part is done!”

Oh, my dear...

While our fairy tale minds want to believe that everything in relationships is black and white, there are way more than “fifty shades” of gray to deal with in a relationship. Disney and Grimm would have us believe that there are villains and heroes – and nothing in-between. Wow. If only! Then again, it's that kind of thinking that sets us up for horrible mistakes in a relationship. Because then, we start to believe that when there's a difference of opinion about something, one of us is “right,” and the other one is “wrong.” When it happens more frequently (and it will!), then one of us is “good,” and the other one, by default, must be “evil.”

WHOA!

What could be more destructive than that kind of thinking?

Yes, we love each other, but we don't always agree. Neither one of us is inherently wrong, and neither one of us is always right. Sometimes, there are TWO right answers. WHAT? No, really. Think about it for a moment. Let's say that we're going to the store. There are three ways to get there. I prefer to go one way, he prefers to go another way. (And that still leaves yet ANOTHER way to get there!) Here's the hard part. NEITHER one of us is right or wrong. Nope. Doesn't matter which route is shorter, or which one has less traffic, or which one has a better neighborhood, or which one has a prettier view. ALL of the ways to get there are “the right way.”

This is true for so many things in life, I can't possibly mention them all here.

But, if we cling to the idea that someone always has to be right, which means that anyone who disagrees always has to be wrong, we're eroding our relationship one stupid opinion at a time. (Not that your opinion is stupid; but most of the time, these choices just don't have enough value to be worth eating away at how we really feel about each other.)
Which leads me to that horrible term, “Blame.”

Oh... my... gosh.

Millions of people (I'm not exaggerating here) believe that everything that happens in life is SOMEONE'S fault. If it's not THEIR fault, it's someone else's fault.

WHAT?

Sometimes... now, I'll be gentle here, because this is a new concept for some... it's nobody's fault.

I'll give you a moment to let that one kind of soak in slowly.

Let's say that a pipe bursts in the house. It got old, or had a weakness, and splash! It broke. Nobody's fault. (Shhhhh! Don't even start with it had to be the manufacturer. Stop.)

Let's say that a raccoon got into the trash outside. The trash can had a lid, and no one even knew there was a raccoon in the neighborhood. It's a royal mess, but it's nobody's fault.

Let's say that your child was born (God forbid!) with a genetic disability no one's ever heard of. Nope! Nobody's fault, no matter whose set of DNA it's related to.

Just for fun, let's say that a tire goes flat. You find a nail in the tire. Your spouse was driving today, and he or she never saw the invisible nail in the road, while zipping around at 45-miles-per-hour. Guess what? No one's fault.

Because, at the end of the day, it's NOBODY'S fault the vast majority of the time that crap happens. It just happens. And while we're ever so busy looking for someone to blame for every single bad thing that happens, NO ONE IS FIXING IT. We're too busy arguing about who is to blame.

Now then, if I am the one who is supposed to do the laundry, and it's not done, there ya go. It's my fault. And I'll apologize. (And do the laundry!) And, if it's his job to mow the lawn, and it starts looking like Jungle Jeff could host a show in our back yard, okay. It's his fault it's not done. (And he'll do it!) But neither scenario is worth a knock-down, drag-out fight. Seriously. Why? Because we're HUMAN. We are going to screw up sometimes, but we love each other – which should be a helluva lot more important than a forgotten chore.

And therein lies the Big Mystery.

Being in a committed, dedicated, devoted relationship is not a solution – it's a beginning. It's a process. It's the blending of two very distinct and different lives into a harmonious blend of both. Sometimes, one cedes to the other – (if he likes whole wheat bread, and you like white, but can afford only one kind this week, maybe you can agree to alternate each week). Sometimes, there is a hashing out of ideas and opinions - and an agreement to disagree yet keep on going without recriminations can be reached. (Let's say he's a Pagan, and I'm a devout Atheist – we agree that we have different beliefs, and allow each other to embrace our beliefs, without ridicule or criticism.) Occasionally, there's a problem that is too big to agree about right off the bat. (Your child has a serious illness, and the doctors disagree about the treatment. You also disagree. The facts have to be weighed, the child's welfare considered, and your own peace of mind comes into the equation as well. This is not something that can be solved in an hour. Accept that, and be willing to hear and study EVERYTHING before trying to reach an agreement. If there is no time, and it's an emergency, handle the emergency the best possible way first – then talk about the rest of the treatment.)

THEN... there are the in-laws.

Oh... Yes. The extended family. Remember when you were all starry-eyed, and thought that nothing could possibly come between you? Well, single friends, BEAR THIS IN MIND always. When you marry someone, you marry their whole family. Oh yes, you do. You DO. And you better not only get to know them, you better come to care about them. Your better half loves them. Your better half has relationships (healthy or otherwise) with them. They will be a part of your marriage, no matter how far away they live. BE PREPARED. Get to know them. Find out what your spouse thinks of them. When in doubt, AGREE with your spouse. This is fertile ground for arguments that no one can win. If you're going to accept your spouse, warts and all, that means accepting their family – warts and all.

Hey – be kind. They have to accept yours, too.

;-)

So, Single Ones, let's recap.

Your life is empty and incomplete because you have no partner.

My life is perfect because I have one.

Right?

Oh, so wrong.

Finding the Love of Your Life will not end your problems. It will end your solitude (don't be surprised to discover later on that you crave that same solitude once in awhile). It will give you someone to share your dreams and fears with. It will give you someone warm to snuggle up with on cold nights (and to sleep as far apart from as possible on the hot ones). It will not “complete” you. It will not bring “absolute peace” to you. You are complete in and of yourself, or you might not be ready to join lives with someone else yet. There is no “absolute peace” anywhere, except within your own soul. And yet – I'm not trying at all to discourage you! There are wonderful things to be found in a good relationship. I wouldn't trade my marriage for “singlehood” at all. But remember – a lot of people would. Why? Because sometimes it works out, and sometimes, it doesn't. Some people expect their partner to have all of the answers, or to make up for their own insufficiencies Some are ready, some are not. Some people know that finding True Love is only the beginning, some don't. Some know that alone-ness is not synonymous with loneliness. Some don't.

Enjoy your dating years. Enjoy your single life while you have it. Enjoy a long engagement. Create magic when you can. (Even after marriage!) Get to know your partner as well as possible before the toilet-seat-up-or-down spats come. (If you have two bathrooms, why not make one the Men's [seat up] and the other the Women's [seat down]? Easy remedy.) INVEST in each other. When it's done right, your needs will be met, because your partner will see to them – which leaves you to concentrate on seeing to theirs.

Love is wonderful. Love is indescribable. Love is magical. Love is always the answer. ALWAYS.

As long as it's always putting someone else's needs first, it's love, and it's amazing.

But it's not about heroes and villains. It's not about black and white. It's not about who is right, or who is wrong. It's not about fault, blame, or how easy it's “supposed” to be. It's not even about “I found him/her! The worst is over!” And, it's not about “I'm in love! And s/he loves me! I have found the Answer!” No, that's just the beginning, not the Answer. It's work – sometimes hard work. But, it's the best and finest work you will ever do, if it's done right.