Whoa, whoa, whoa!
First off, I'm thrilled for you!
Second... Well...
After being married for a couple of
years, I found myself wishing that there had been a sort of practical
“exam” that a couple had to pass before taking that leap. Oh, we
were in love, and had been for quite awhile, which is a pretty good
reason to think about “making it official” and making a long-term
commitment. And I have no regrets. But, that said, having never
cohabitated before, there were a lot of things we simply weren't prepared
for. In this blissfully ignorant state, we ended up arguing over the
most ridiculous things you can imagine. From what music to play at
family gatherings to which route to the park was the best; if it
could be disputed, we disputed it. What an exercise in futility!
If I were to choose a “test” that a
couple had to “pass” (or at least experience) before taking the
plunge into marriage, I think it might include some of the following
(along with some others that I haven't thought of, I'm sure.)
First, you can do the simple ones -
What are his/her three favorite foods,
books, movies, TV shows, sports, etc.?
What her his/her three LEAST favorites
of these? If he/she has a true aversion to this/these, are you
willing to forgo doing/eating/talking about it in front of your
partner? (This is a huge deal, no matter how much your partner says
it isn't.)
You can make this fun – play your own
version of the Newlywed Game! Ask relatively simple questions and see
if your answers match. Of course, Rule One is that no one gets to
become irritated or upset if there is a “wrong” answer. This is
meant to help you learn what you know, and what you only thought you
knew about each other. It's a learning experience, not a final exam.
1) Play a rather complex video or board game
(like them or not) where you are on the same “team” for several
hours.
Sure, this sounds ridiculous on the
surface, doesn't it? But wait a second. In playing that game, you
will discover several truths that can turn out to be significant. The
only rule is to not criticize or ridicule your partner. As the game
goes along, you'll discover that you each employ different
strategies when faced with the same situation. If you play long
enough (without breaking the criticism or ridicule rules), you'll
also find that neither strategy is bad or good – they both have
their strengths and weaknesses.
THIS APPLIES in life. Believe me.
Learning that you will not agree on
everything is hugely important. Learning that just because you have
different approaches doesn't mean that either one of you is wrong, is
enormously important. Better to discover it before you tie the knot,
than to spend a decade arguing senselessly over which route to Mom
and Dad's house is the “right” one. They are both “right.”
Cooperating with each other despite differing points of view is
essential to working through issues that will come up during your
life together.
- Before you decide you want kids together, obtain a debt together.
Okay, now I've gone completely mad,
right? No, I don't think so. Once again, it's learning to manage the
“care and feeding” of something very important together. Your
commitment to the debt (it can be as small as buying a piece of
furniture on time) will not be the same as your partner's.
Guaranteed.
While you both consider maintaining
your credit to be of great importance, you might have very different
ways of approaching that. Is one of you a “spender?” Is one of
you a “saver?” Do you hold to your spending or saving habits as
if your life depended on it?
Learning to communicate about debt can
help you prepare to communicate when it comes to far more important
issues, like raising a child. Please believe me – even if you
believe that you have discussed “everything”
when it comes to raising your kids, you haven't. You have not.
Each child is a whole new bag of surprises, and not only will you
have to change your approach according to each child's needs,
personality, and skills; but you will also have to adjust your
approaches in order to compromise and present a “united front” to
your kids. (Otherwise, by the time any one of them reaches the age of
two, he or she will have already figured out that the parents are not
in charge, here. The child is. And no one enjoys living in that kind
of madness – especially your child.)
God forbid, should you have a child
with special needs, you will have to face a whole new world of
opposition you never imagined existed – medical professionals,
school personnel, family, friends, neighbors, maybe even politicians.
If you can't agree on an approach, you won't ever be able to make
life-changing decisions regarding your very special child. Please
believe me – you do not want to face this kind of challenge unless
you have a strong set of communication and negotiation skills
already.
3) Make a “chore chart.”
I know, it sounds silly. Please do it
anyway. Be sure that you include all of the “little” things that
we do daily without really thinking about them. You know, the
litterbox or dog poop duty, sorthing the mail, putting out the trash,
putting dirty clothes in the hamper, cooking, doing the dishes,
refilling the ice tray or the toilet paper – the little things that
you do in a normal day because they have to be done. Sounds easy?
Well, it's supposed to be.
So, identify these “silly” daily
and weekly chores, decide who will do them, alternate them if you
wish, but do make that list. Because one day, when you least expect
it, the “x” number of times you or your partner DIDN'T do them
will surely come up in an argument (about something else, mind you)
and rise like a ghost from an undiscovered grave to haunt you.
4) Laugh together. A lot. Over anything and everything.
Let's not think that I'm being unnecessarily cynical about marriage and partnerships. I'm not.
Really!
But the heart doesn't have a brain, and
when it's engaged in other labors, the brain doesn't always have a
heart. For this reason, I'm advocating doing these little “exercises”
before you make any long-term arrangements – because, seriously, if
we can't learn to discuss strategies to win a video game, we're
really going to have problems when real life issues come up that we
need to successfully negotiate.
And, very quickly, because it makes
most of us more than a little bit uncomfortable... If you can't TALK
about intimacy, you might have jumped the gun by participating in it
beforehand. Know what I mean?
Just sayin'.
Mazel Tov!
Happy New Life!
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