My best friend is in a very serious relationship with a man who literally scares me. I mean, I honestly fear for her safety. When she and I see each other, I don't know if I want to smack some sense into her, or just throw up my hands and let the whole friendship go. Seriously, I can't deal with this guy, and the choices she's making because of him. I don't want to lose her friendship, but I just can't watch her destroy her life for this guy. But their relationship is destroying our friendship! What can I do?"
Signed,
Distraught and Fed Up
Dear Distraught;
Wow.
Because you bring up fearing for her safety (and I assume you mean her physical safety), this isn't as easy as it might be. By that, I mean that if you don't "approve" of your best friend's boyfriend, well... it's really none of your business is it? I mean, you don't belong in her intimate life any more than she belongs in yours. My answer would be fairly simple - do what parents do when agonizing over their child's choices. Take deep breaths, count to a thousand as many times as you have to, keep loving her, keep lines of communication open, don't judge her, and be there for her when this all falls apart. (It usually does, eventually.)
But you brought up her safety. Sigh...
I'm assuming that you have information that leads you to believe that he will eventually (if he hasn't already) physically hurt her. Now, THAT... that is a problem. And there is no simple answer. So, I guess I'll ask YOU a few questions, since what I think we're really dealing with here is your friendship with her. (She's not going to break up with someone just because you don't like him. So, that isn't an option we can discuss.)
1) Do you cherish her, and want to keep her as a friend?
2) If and when things go south for them, do you want her to know that she can come to you for help or advice?
3) Are you aware that if this guy really is a frightening man, that one of his goals is to cause exactly what is happening to your friendship? If he really is "that kind of guy," isolating her from her loved ones is one of the first steps towards control and domination of her. With that in mind, can you let him do that to you? Oh, he might be able to do that to her - but will you let him do it to YOU?
4) Obviously the topic of their relationship is the friction point in your friendship. Is there a way that you can tell her in a caring way about your true fears for her (which she will most likely reject), and ask her to please just not talk about him too much when you're with her? (Most assuredly, you don't want to spend time with them together socially...)
5) (And this is the hard one!) Can you separate your relationship with her from her relationship with him? By that, I mean, can you stop taking her choice of this detrimental man as if she were purposely forcing him on YOU? Because, in all reality, she's not doing this to YOU. So, can you find a way to take a couple of steps back, distance yourself from her love life, and still be her friend?
6) (And this is the crucial one!) Can you love her unconditionally? I mean, can you love her despite her choices that you obviously feel are not only ridiculous, but dangerous? Can you be the Friend she can turn to when she eventually needs your help to get out of this, and to get through it?
I don't take these questions lightly, nor do I believe that you do. They are serious considerations. They are virtually the same questions I'd ask parents who were concerned about their daughter or son in a similar situation. (Not that I think it's your job to parent her!)
In the end, maybe it all comes down to how much stress this situation causes you, and how much you can handle. If you're losing sleep over it, then you need to create some boundaries. (Especially since I imagine that she's blissfully making future plans with this guy, ignoring all of the red flags that are so patently obvious to you, while you're agonizing over it.) It's one thing to be a great friend, and offer unconditional love. It's quite another to sacrifice your own sanity over something over which you have absolutely no control.
Talk to her. Tell her your concerns, and WHY they are concerns. If she insists on pursuing this relationship despite your fears for her, then your hands are tied. You can't make her see what she refuses to see. You can only point out the reasons for your concerns, and then let her make her own choices. Let's face it - she's not ready to give him up, so those choices are pretty predictable. Once you've had that conversation, you can choose to create some boundaries that will help you keep both the friendship and your sanity intact.
You can agree to remain close friends, as long as he's not part of your conversations; you can agree to disagree; or you can take a "vacation" from that friendship until you can find a way to distance yourself from taking her relationship with him, personally. She really isn't choosing him in order to drive you mad - this isn't directed at you at all. She's just trying to be loved. Okay, okay, I agree. Maybe she's accepting a cheap imitation of love. But that's hers to discover, in her own time, and in her own way.
No matter how you choose to handle this, I think it's incumbent upon me to urge you to let her know that she can ALWAYS turn to you if she ends up in a situation with him that is scary, dangerous, or life-threatening. Should that day come, she's going to need that One Friend she can rely upon to help her, love her, and maybe even rescue her. Should that day never come, then we'll all give thanks, and be grateful that somehow, those red flags were erroneous. (I'm not saying that they are, I'm just hoping for the best.)
I wish there were an easy answer to this. Unfortunately, there never is. Being in pain because someone you love is being self-destructive is extremely difficult, very hard to manage, and impossible to resolve easily. It's like watching someone you love stand smack in the middle of the freeway playing dodge-the-cars. You can scream and warn and wave your hands like crazy, but you can't take the risk of running out into the middle of the freeway yourself to drag him or her out of traffic. And, in this case, you're not going to be able to stop traffic, either.
So, scream and warn and wave your hands - then stop watching her "dodge traffic." Just... pray to the One who can truly do something about this, and STOP WATCHING. I know that's nearly impossible, but you must. Your heart and mind need the break. Turn around. Walk away. Whatever it takes. Just stop watching.
Tough love is the hardest love to feel, or to give.
I'm sorry.
Love,
Mama K
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