Relationships 101 (Or, The Blog that Never Ends)

Holy Wild Monkey Dance, Batman!!!

In speaking with clients, friends, and even my daughter and her friends, I've discovered that relationships fall into about as many categories as one can imagine!!! Some of them must have already existed "in my day," but I don't remember having titles for them. Back in the olden days of the 70s and 80s, we were either in a relationship or we weren't. And if we were, we tried to stick to one person at a time, and do our best to see where it went. 
Not anymore!
Now we have all kinds of relationships!

Friends
Just Friends
Friends with benefits  (the "Benefit" isn't worth risking the "Friendship," by the way)
Seeing each other
Hanging out together
Hooking up
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Significant Other
Engagement
Married
Open Marriage
Etc., etc., etc.

I can't go on - it just gets more and more blurred and confusing! 

So, I'll just say this about that. 
If you are "Seeing someone" (hopefully that means actual dating and going out together), and neither one of you has ever talked about EXCLUSIVELY seeing each other, then don't take it for granted that you are "Boyfriend/Girlfriend."  You're not. Unless it's been discussed, and it's official, neither one of you is the other's "Significant Other." Making assumptions like that can cause all kinds of trouble. 

So, I hope we're clear on this. If you're OFFICIALLY anything on this list, that's what you are to each other. (That means you two have discussed it, and you both have the same "definition" of what stage your relationship is in. At. Whatever.) Otherwise, you're probably "Seeing Each Other."

And now, we have to discuss what goes on, there. Of course, I mean, physically. If sex is a part of your relationship, you can pretty much assume that "just friends" has been eliminated. "Just friends" don't have sex. Ever. 
Now, you can be friends, or hang out with, someone you're not having physical relations with. (I encourage this!) You can also HAVE physical relations with someone who falls into one of those categories. The choice is yours. HOWEVER, remember to be clear in your own mind about what kind of relationship you're having. If nobody said it's more than friendship, it's not. No matter how much physical contact there is.

That's the confusing part, isn't it? That whole sex thing. 
Know why?
Well, when we share bodies, we share a whole lot more than bodies. People have souls. We have "spirit bodies," if you will. People have individual energies which are also exchanged when bodies come into contact. That's why we touch each other. It is far more comforting to give or receive a hug on a bad day than it is to just hear or read comforting words. 
Why?
Because of the intimacy of the energy exchange. The spiritual exchange.
So, people who claim that they have sex with no intimacy are lying. To themselves, and to others. It's unavoidable. Yes, even unwanted or "paid for" sex involves intimacy, even if neither participant is aware of it. Even if neither participant WANTS it.

Your energy field extends beyond your body. Think I'm full of it? Try it. Get close to someone without touching. Stay there a moment. There you go! You felt it! I know you did. Now touch hands. The energy has changed again, hasn't it?  Now hug. See?  Imagine all of the energy exchanged when things go a bit further!

That's why sex changes everything in a relationship.
It's also why sex should never be considered a casual exchange. Because it never is. Even if you think it was casual, it wasn't.

How can we choose to ignore our emotional, hormonal, and ever-so-human desire to just engage in wild monkey shenanigans, and wait for a better moment to exchange intimate energy? Well, it's not easy in today's world. But let's try and think of a few things that might make us hesitate at least a moment before plunging down a road that might just be a detour, and not a path to somewhere special. How about...

SET and keep PERSONAL BOUNDARIES. ("I won't just give in because it feels good. I'll wait until s/he deserves to know me intimately physically. Like after we know each other more intimately mentally. Or at least after we know each others' middle names and birth dates.") (Yes, that's a joke.)SET and keep PERSONAL GOALS ("If this would distract me from my real goal of getting to know each other better first, then I won't do it.")
BEING PATIENT.  (UGH!!!)
ENJOY the ANTICIPATION of how it will be. (That one can be fun! Really!)
REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. You are a magnificent son/daughter of the Most High. Even when you don't believe it.
WORTH. (Yes, you ARE worth someone making a great effort to deserve the best of you.)
Above all -
HEALTH. You only get one physical body. Don't wrap it up and give it away to an STD.

Think about it. What is your most prized possession? A book? A work of art from your dear friend? A piece of Grandma's jewelry? Uncle Bob's truck? A picture of your favorite holiday? A letter from Dad?  
Think. 
Think how much you appreciate having that. It's a gift that you cherish. To you, no matter what its price tag might be, it's invaluable. It's precious. It's priceless.

Well, there ya go! What's under your clothing is ever so much more valuable and priceless than any article! I'm not just talking about your body. I'm talking about your spirit body, as well. If someone you are interested in isn't worthy of having that other treasured possession in their custody several nights a month, they s/he certainly isn't worthy of taking home some of your physical and spiritual body! 

LOVE YOURSELF.

That's the ticket. 
No matter what society, TV, movies, books, your friends, or your own desires say, love yourself FIRST. 

Ah, Love!

That most wondrous, most elusive, most satisfying, most heartbreaking, emotion of all!

I've had the privilege of advising people about many of life's aspects over the past several years, and love is still the most difficult, confusing emotion we deal with as humans. I don't doubt for a moment that animals can feel what we call love. But even they seem to handle it better than we do! 

For animals, love is simple. They feel it, they share it, they give it away. If it is reciprocated, great! If not, they don't seem to take it personally, or let it change their point of view. They just keep on giving it. Pack animals, in particular, seem to share a devotion and loyalty that humans can only admire. They don't question each others' motives. They don't require a "bargain" before acting out of love or loyalty. If you're one of theirs, it's a given.

So, why, oh WHY, do humans make love so complicated?

Well... it sure can be!

You see, our furry or feathered friends who "feel what we feel" don't do things in the name of loyalty or love that are reprehensible. We humans, on the other hand, are capable of doing things in the name of "love" that would astound the rest of the animal kingdom.  
And therein lies the rub, as they say.

It's all about knowing what love IS. 
Christians cite I Corinthians 13:4-8 when talking about love. A better definition is hard to find. 

^"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸ Love never fails  (NIV Bible)

So, there we go. Any time that we are doing something OTHER than these things, and we call it "love," we're missing the mark. If we're not being honest, if we're not being integral, if our love is conditional, we are not loving. We're just playing make-believe love.

So... I urge you to do the hardest thing you can learn.
LOVE YOURSELF.

If you love yourself, you'll always be loyal to yourself. 
And THEN, you'll be in a position to love someone else. 

Cherish all of your relationships! Each one is valuable in some way. Even the ones we don't want (that irritating person at work or school, that horrible boss or teacher) are valuable. They teach us about people, about life, about how to deal with difficult situations or people. And the GOOD relationships? Well, they are beyond any price! Treasure them. 
Risk?
Possible pain?
Oh, yes. But that's another blog entirely.

I love you, my friends. 
I really do.

Mama K

Taking Back Our Personal Power

Well, well, well!
I started a Blog!

Uh-oh... that's vaguely reminiscent of an old Bee Gees song, isn't it? And we all know how that turned out... 
Oh well, let's give it a shot!

In counseling a dear client today, I was aware that there are just SO many people going through hard times right now. Hard times financially, hard times with relationships, hard times with self-awareness and self-esteem... These are really hard times for so many of us. 

And we can't fix some of these problems - I mean, I can't go to the Federal Reserve or Congress and beat some sense into their heads. (Although I'd LOVE to!)  But we CAN help ourselves with some of the other issues we face these days. The anxiety, the fear, the concern that we aren't "good enough."  
It isn't easy to face our troubles, and we just plain don't LIKE doing it. 
But - whatcha gonna do?  Let the cycles continue?  
Well, yes, that's an option. It's just not a really great one.

This particular client is facing the depression and loneliness of being left by her spouse of 30 years for another woman. Naturally, it's left her feeling unworthy, at fault for his actions, and wondering what the hell is wrong with her, that he could do this?
How can I impress her with the idea that his choices had nothing to do with her? He just plain wanted to run away like a rebellious teenager. Midlife crisis? Maybe. But it sure wasn't his devoted wife who chased him away. We each make our OWN choices. No matter what's going on in our relationships, at the end of the day, WE choose. We choose to stay, despite negligence or abuse. We choose to stay despite stress and arguments. We choose to stay despite health or financial challenges. Or we choose to leave. We choose to leave despite knowing we're loved. We choose to leave because "the grass is greener." We sometimes choose to leave because it's a dangerous situation. (Not the case with this client.) 

WE CHOOSE.

He chose to leave, and she was pretty much stuck with the consequences of his choice. 
And the backlash of self-doubt, fear, anxiety, and depression at being left behind. 
After all, if she had been "better," wouldn't he have stayed?
Nope. Not at all a part of his decision. He just plain wanted a new life, and he went for it. 

 So, trying to kind of break it down Barney-Style, I tried to draw an analogy between giving someone else our personal power, and giving them our car. Yeah, I know... kind of a pale comparison. But please, hear me out... 

When we give our power to someone else, they own it until we find out how to take it back. Even if they have  no idea that we've given them our personal power, they own it. We gave it to them. Which also means that we can't quite let them go, because they still have our power. Until WE take it back, we're kind of stuck in the mire of that connection.

They can't GIVE it back, we have to TAKE it. 

Kind of like being connected to someone to whom we'd given our car. We just parked it in their garage one day, and left it for their use.  They have their own car. They don't need ours, and don't even remember getting ours. But there it sits. We need it to drive, and we know it's time to go retrieve it. BUT, we have to go get it out of their garage, put the key in it, and drive it away. They can't bring it back to us, because they've forgotten it's in their garage. Yet we can't go anywhere until we take it back. 

And THAT takes a lot of courage, and work. We don't have to tell them we're taking it back. We just have to get dressed, get over there, and pick it up. But we hesitate. "What if they're home? Will it be awkward? What if I've forgotten how to drive? What if the battery's dead and I need a jump? What if...." 
The kinds of things that paralyze us into thinking "I'll just wait till tomorrow."
But tomorrow never comes.

Even though we want and need that car back right now, we look at the effort it's going to take to go get it, dust it off, get it started, and bring it home.And the mere thought is overwhelming.
So... we go another day without wheels. And we go nowhere.
It's a scary, vicious cycle that's really hard to break. 

The funny thing is... the day we FINALLY strap on a pair and go get the car, we discover that the garage door was open, and the car still runs smoothly. Nothing is wrong with it at all. It's just been sitting there gathering dust, waiting for the day that it'll be used again. We take it, drive home, and get used to having our own set of wheels again.The first few times we drive, we feel kind of rusty. But after a little while, we're back to our comfort zone, and flying down the freeway fearlessly once again, radio blaring our favorite songs, and finding our way around town with ease.

Taking back one's personal power is not an easy task. It takes time. It takes courage.
After all, when we gave it away we were obviously more comfortable letting someone else have that power than we were with the idea of having it ourselves.

Get help. Whether we choose a friend to "go to the garage with us," or whether we need a professional's help, it's really just fine to get help. You'd never hesitate to get help when your air conditioning goes out in August. Well, this is a lot more important than air conditioning. It's about your REAL comfort. Inner comfort. The hard stuff.

Fear paralyzes us. Owning our own personal power can create a lot of fear. NOT owning it can do far more damage, and create far greater fear. Might as well take some baby steps today - strengthening ourselves is never wrong, and finding out at the end of the day that we've taken even one baby step is enormously rewarding!

Have courage! Have faith!
As Mufasa said to Simba, "Remember who you are"

Maybe that's the first step... remembering who we are. 

You are a magnificent creation of the Creator. Treat yourself accordingly!

I have faith in you. I've never doubted you. 

I love you.

Mama K