Our Loved Ones Communicate With Us...

After our loved ones cross over, they are very anxious to let us know they are okay and are aware of what is going on in our lives. If we are not able to feel them around us, they will often give us signs that they think we cannot ignore. The person who is given the sign usually knows he or she is receiving a message from the other side.
The signs our loved ones give us most often are:

They come through as an ANIMAL. Our loved ones are able to use their energy to inspire an animal, such as a butterfly, ladybug, bird, or dragonfly - for a brief period of time. The animal does something it usually would not do, such as land on us, peck at our window, scream at us, show up often, or in odd places, etc.
They place common objects such as feathers, coins, or rocks in our path. Our loved ones like to place things over and over again in our path that were significant to them.

They give off fragrances. We can often tell our deceased loved ones are around us when we smell their perfume, flowers, cigar or cigarette smoke, or any other familiar smell they had. There is usually no logical explanation of why the smell is there.

They make songs come on at the perfect time. We know they are around when songs come on at the right time with the exact words we need to hear. Often the same song is played in many different places.

They come to us in dreams. One of the easiest ways for them to come through to us is in our dreams. All we need to do is to ask them to come, and they will. However, we should ask them to wake us up after they come, or else we will not remember the dream. A dream that is a true visitation will be very peaceful and we will know it is truly our loved one. We will remember this type of dream in detail many years later. (On the other hand, a subconscious dream may be frightening or feel bad. This type of dream is not your loved one.)

They show us the same numbers over and over. They loved to give us numbers that are relevant to them or you, such as birthdates, anniversaries - or repeating numbers, such as 1111, 2222, 3333, etc. These numbers may appear on clocks, billboards, or any other familiar place.

They allow us to feel peaceful for no reason. When our loved ones are in the room, they usually make us feel so loved and at peace. It usually happens at the most unsuspecting time, so there is no logical explanation for our sudden bliss.

They place thoughts or ideas  in our head. Because they in spirit form, our loved ones don't have an audible voice. Therefore, they give us messages telepathically. Pay attention to thoughts that just "pop" into your head. If something your loved one would say just pops in your head for no reason, it is probably him or her speaking directly to you!

They love to play with electricity. They turn electricity on and off. They like to flicker lights, turn the television and radio on and off, and make appliances beep for no apparent reason. This is because they easily access the energy of electric and electronic devices.

They make noises in our ears. Because our loved ones speak to us on a different, higher frequency, we may hear ringing in our ears when they are trying to get our attention. This is a sign telling you to listen to what they are saying.
WATCH YOUR PETS... They can see our loved ones who have Crossed Over far more easily than we can. This is also true for babies and children under the age of 6...

The list can go on and on, but these are the most common ways they let us know they are around. If you haven't received any of these signs, simply ask your loved ones to come to you to let you know they are okay. Tell them to come to you in a dream and to wake you up after the dream. Or tell them the sign you want to see. Whether it's coins, feathers, a certain song, something out of place - whatever you know will call your attention.

The more you are aware of the messages they are giving you, the more they will continue to allow you to know they are present. Be patient and persistent, and I promise that they will give you the signs you have always wanted. They are FINE - and ALIVE. And they want you to know that, and to be happy.
♥

The Greatest of These - Merry Christmas!

When faced with all of the hostility I'm seeing around Facebook (and other places) about whether or not people should ONLY say "Merry Christmas," in order to "keep the Christ in Christmas," I've been pondering... I love Christmas, and just about everything about it (just not the commercialization of it). I love the whole month of December, and enjoy every day of it as much as I can, whether people say "Happy Hanukkah," "Merry Christmas," "Happy Holidays," or whatever they say. The fact that they wish me a great December is truly appreciated.

But what is Christmas all about? If, indeed, one is a Christian, then one believes that it's about Jesus Christ. And what was Jesus Christ all about? Well, he was about Love. (Not hostility, not debating semantics about how we express Love; just Love.)
So... what is Love?
New Testament readers should remember I Corinthians chapter 13 pretty well, I think, and non-Christians would agree with what is says, as well, in my opinion.

1 Corinthians 13

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁴ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
⁸ Love never fails.
¹³ And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Back to the question at hand, what is Love?

If we use this reference as a guide, Love is kind (Webster's -  kind: adjective: having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others; wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others). Love doesn't seem to have room or time for discord, now, does it?

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Whoa - back up! Those are really deep, profound declarations!

Love bears all things. It can lift and hold up ANYthing?  Why, yes, Love can.

And it can believe all things? (Well, all true things.) Even the really hard to believe things? Yes, Love can.

Love hopes all things? (Webster's - hope: verb: to want something to happen or be true, and think that it could happen or be true.) Love is... hopeful? Yes, Love believes truly good things will happen.

Love endures all things? ALL things? I mean... life is hard. Is Love really that powerful, that it can endure even overwhelming joy, strife, pain, victory, loss, agony? Yes. Love can. And does. It can deal with the best or the worst in life. And Love itself endures - it lasts, and remains as it is, eternally.

Love never fails.
EVER? No, never. Love is so powerful that it never fails. If something is failing, maybe it just needs more Love. You know, that kind, hopeful, enduring Love.

Now, not everyone loves in the same way, to the same degree, or even agrees with the above definition of Love. But that's a theme for another day. We all love to the best of our ability, and I think that makes all expressions of Love worthy - perhaps priceless.

So, for the rest of December, whether someone says "Happy Holidays," or "Season's Greetings," or "Merry Christmas," or "Shalom," I'm going to hear them saying "I love you." 

In my experience, it's impossible to be offended when someone says "I love you," and means it.

So, Happy Merry I Love You Time to you all!

Love,
Mama K

GRIEF - the Loneliest Journey

Remember how Benjamin Franklin once said that nothing in this world was certain but death and taxes?
Well, I beg to differ. Or at least add one other thing - grief.
It's inevitable. In life, we experience many things - good days, bad days, love, joy, health, sickness... and the list goes on and on. And we all experience these things in different ways. Grief, that looming, inevitable feeling of absolute loss, is another life experience that we all share - but in absolutely different ways.

Grief is very personal. While all of the professionals tell us that we all experience "the stages of grief" -  (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) -  we all experience them in our own, unique way. A very personal way. No two people experience it in exactly the same manner. That's why I call it the loneliest journey. We can support each other, share our feelings of loss and pain, and help each other all that we can. But it's still a private journey for each of us. Very private. A shared road that each walks alone.

I'm not just talking about death, here. While that is an obvious cause of grieving, there are others. We grieve when our hearts are broken for any reason - a broken relationship; an unfinished pregnancy; a baby born with a disability; when we find out we can never have a child; when someone we love chooses a destructive path; when we get a devastating diagnosis for either ourselves or a loved one - the list goes on. We grieve for strangers when we learn of their devastation in a natural disaster or a horrific accident. We grieve.
ALL of us have a personal relationship with grief.

For something that we all share in common, it's certainly something that we don't talk about very much. It's hard to talk about. It's awkward. It's acknowledging that we are infinitely vulnerable, and it's baring our souls to others. We do not enjoy any of that. Imagine walking up to someone and saying "I'm fragile. I'm mortal. I'm vulnerable."  Yeah... not your everyday conversation, is it?
But it should be!
Because it's part of us, and it's ever so real.
In our society today, it's almost taboo to say, "I'm hurting inside, and don't know how to make it stop."

I vividly remember when my Daddy died, when I was eighteen. The days leading up to his funeral were filled with a thousand things to do. We grieved, off and on, but there was just so much to DO! Once the funeral was over, we were all pretty numb from all of the emotions we had felt throughout the day. Funerals are exhausting. We just seemed to want to sit and not think about anything in particular. Just... exist.
The next morning, when the sun came up, and the day began just as if nothing in the world had changed, I remember feeling like it was profane. How dare the world just keep turning? How dare people just get on with a normal day? How dare life keep on going, when there was such a horrendous tear in the fabric of ours?

But it did; and it does. And I hate it; and I love it.
I hate it, because it doesn't seem fair that the world doesn't stop turning in honor of the passing of a human being. It seems so disrespectful, somehow. Yet, I love it, because without that rhythm of life continuing, we'd never be able to grasp onto it and hold on for dear life while working through our grief. Oh, what a paradox!

My best friend's husband died suddenly two weeks ago. Just went to sleep, and didn't wake up in our world again. Just like that. He came home from work, ate dinner, had a beer, went to bed, just like any other night, and then just stopped being here. How does that happen? How do we wrap our minds around that?
Faith helps. Believing or knowing that we are eternal beings helps. But only a little. Let's face it - it doesn't help us understand how one minute we're here, and the next, we're not. That the transition from this life to the next is so sudden, so final, so blink-of-an-eye, that we simply can't understand how that happens.
Yet, it does.

Those who are left to deal with that awful, devastating, yet natural blow dealt to us somehow muddle through making the right arrangements, supporting each other the best we can, and sharing our love and sorrow. But, then what? How do we share our grief? In a way, we can't. I grieved for my father as his child. My mother grieved for him as his wife. My brothers and sisters grieved for their father - not mine. Because each personal relationship is different. His friends grieved for their friend - not their collective friend; each individual grieved in a different way. His mom? Well, the grief of a parent for a child who precedes them in death has to be the worst grief there is.

So, as I sit here with no answers to my real question - how can I help my friend grieve? - I'm sad. I'm lost. I'm angry that I can't diminish her pain in the slightest. I'm frustrated that all I have are words and tears. And I'm really upset that we, as a society, pretend that grieving isn't a lifelong process. That, somehow, a Magic Day will come when the grieving stops.
It. Will. Not.

But LIFE... life WILL go on. Right along with the various stages (and repeated stages) of grief. The lyrics of the Avenged Sevenfold song "Acid Rain" seem to me to illustrate it perfectly.
"Life wouldn't be so precious, dear, if there never was an end.
... Children still play in the garden,
Dance as the sun slips away.
Not even stars last forever.
Cleanse us, Acid Rain."

Tears can be acidic or alkaline. Tears of sadness, or grief, are acidic. Did M. Shadows know this when he wrote this song? I'll leave it to you, Reader, to guess.

My good friend Bernie once told me, "Love is forever, or it was never really love." Truer words were never spoken. And when you have forever feelings for someone, your grief will never end. It will transform, and it will eventually become less and less the central focus of your life, but it will be there, hiding in the corner, just waiting for an opportunity to remind you that you are still infinitely vulnerable and inevitably changed forever.

I still miss my parents. I still miss my brother. I still miss my friends. I still grieve over the loss of the son we thought we would have, despite loving the son that we do have. I still want to make it possible for other people to never go through this. But it's not to be.

We grieve, and while we grieve, each of us walking the same road together - yet alone, isolated by our personal grief - we endure one of life's greatest mysteries and learn one of life's greatest lessons - alone. If you're going to live, you're going to love. If you're going to love, you're eventually going to hurt more than you ever thought possible.

But... even with all of that, I wouldn't exchange never loving for never grieving.

As the Garth Brooks song goes, " I could have missed the pain. But I'd have had to miss the dance."
And life is for dancing.

Relationships 103 - Marriage vs. Singlehood

Ahhhhhh... the misconceptions of the unmarried!

While speaking with friends who are still single, I've discovered that there are still myriad misconceptions about married life – or attached life – that truly need a little addressing.

Before we go much further, we need to talk about this whole “happily ever after” thing.

So -

Stop.

Put the fairy tale down.

Put it... Put... Come on, ALL the way down. No, back on the shelf, actually. Go on, do it.

Sigh...

Man! That was really hard to do, wasn't it?

No more Disney princess movies or Grimm's Fairy Tales for you. OMIGOSH! No.

Let's be honest. When you say to me, “ But that's easy for you to say! You have someone!” I have to respectfully respond, “BWAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!”

Seriously? You think that once there's a ring on a finger or a shared house, all is well? All of the hard work is done? That you'll never, ever again be fearful, insecure, upset, or just plain confused? Oh, Sweetie... you're so wrong! NOTHING in a relationship is just smooth and easy. Nothing.

Loving someone, well, that CAN be easy. I mean, love is something that should come pretty naturally to all of us. While we often confuse things like attraction, lust, friendship, and crushes with love; real love is something that actually does “just happen.” At least, most of the time. We love our mom, dad, sibling, friend, dog, cat, gerbil – we really do. When we feel a devotion to someone's well-being that supersedes our own self-interest, we're experiencing real love. When someone else does that for us, it's wonderful (unless, of course, we don't feel that way for that person – then it's just awkward). And sometimes, it's even magical.

For the sake of argument, let's say that you've found someone you're crazy about, you're in love with, you adore, and he (or she) feels the same way about you. “Well,” you think, “Game over! I've won! The hardest part is done!”

Oh, my dear...

While our fairy tale minds want to believe that everything in relationships is black and white, there are way more than “fifty shades” of gray to deal with in a relationship. Disney and Grimm would have us believe that there are villains and heroes – and nothing in-between. Wow. If only! Then again, it's that kind of thinking that sets us up for horrible mistakes in a relationship. Because then, we start to believe that when there's a difference of opinion about something, one of us is “right,” and the other one is “wrong.” When it happens more frequently (and it will!), then one of us is “good,” and the other one, by default, must be “evil.”

WHOA!

What could be more destructive than that kind of thinking?

Yes, we love each other, but we don't always agree. Neither one of us is inherently wrong, and neither one of us is always right. Sometimes, there are TWO right answers. WHAT? No, really. Think about it for a moment. Let's say that we're going to the store. There are three ways to get there. I prefer to go one way, he prefers to go another way. (And that still leaves yet ANOTHER way to get there!) Here's the hard part. NEITHER one of us is right or wrong. Nope. Doesn't matter which route is shorter, or which one has less traffic, or which one has a better neighborhood, or which one has a prettier view. ALL of the ways to get there are “the right way.”

This is true for so many things in life, I can't possibly mention them all here.

But, if we cling to the idea that someone always has to be right, which means that anyone who disagrees always has to be wrong, we're eroding our relationship one stupid opinion at a time. (Not that your opinion is stupid; but most of the time, these choices just don't have enough value to be worth eating away at how we really feel about each other.)
Which leads me to that horrible term, “Blame.”

Oh... my... gosh.

Millions of people (I'm not exaggerating here) believe that everything that happens in life is SOMEONE'S fault. If it's not THEIR fault, it's someone else's fault.

WHAT?

Sometimes... now, I'll be gentle here, because this is a new concept for some... it's nobody's fault.

I'll give you a moment to let that one kind of soak in slowly.

Let's say that a pipe bursts in the house. It got old, or had a weakness, and splash! It broke. Nobody's fault. (Shhhhh! Don't even start with it had to be the manufacturer. Stop.)

Let's say that a raccoon got into the trash outside. The trash can had a lid, and no one even knew there was a raccoon in the neighborhood. It's a royal mess, but it's nobody's fault.

Let's say that your child was born (God forbid!) with a genetic disability no one's ever heard of. Nope! Nobody's fault, no matter whose set of DNA it's related to.

Just for fun, let's say that a tire goes flat. You find a nail in the tire. Your spouse was driving today, and he or she never saw the invisible nail in the road, while zipping around at 45-miles-per-hour. Guess what? No one's fault.

Because, at the end of the day, it's NOBODY'S fault the vast majority of the time that crap happens. It just happens. And while we're ever so busy looking for someone to blame for every single bad thing that happens, NO ONE IS FIXING IT. We're too busy arguing about who is to blame.

Now then, if I am the one who is supposed to do the laundry, and it's not done, there ya go. It's my fault. And I'll apologize. (And do the laundry!) And, if it's his job to mow the lawn, and it starts looking like Jungle Jeff could host a show in our back yard, okay. It's his fault it's not done. (And he'll do it!) But neither scenario is worth a knock-down, drag-out fight. Seriously. Why? Because we're HUMAN. We are going to screw up sometimes, but we love each other – which should be a helluva lot more important than a forgotten chore.

And therein lies the Big Mystery.

Being in a committed, dedicated, devoted relationship is not a solution – it's a beginning. It's a process. It's the blending of two very distinct and different lives into a harmonious blend of both. Sometimes, one cedes to the other – (if he likes whole wheat bread, and you like white, but can afford only one kind this week, maybe you can agree to alternate each week). Sometimes, there is a hashing out of ideas and opinions - and an agreement to disagree yet keep on going without recriminations can be reached. (Let's say he's a Pagan, and I'm a devout Atheist – we agree that we have different beliefs, and allow each other to embrace our beliefs, without ridicule or criticism.) Occasionally, there's a problem that is too big to agree about right off the bat. (Your child has a serious illness, and the doctors disagree about the treatment. You also disagree. The facts have to be weighed, the child's welfare considered, and your own peace of mind comes into the equation as well. This is not something that can be solved in an hour. Accept that, and be willing to hear and study EVERYTHING before trying to reach an agreement. If there is no time, and it's an emergency, handle the emergency the best possible way first – then talk about the rest of the treatment.)

THEN... there are the in-laws.

Oh... Yes. The extended family. Remember when you were all starry-eyed, and thought that nothing could possibly come between you? Well, single friends, BEAR THIS IN MIND always. When you marry someone, you marry their whole family. Oh yes, you do. You DO. And you better not only get to know them, you better come to care about them. Your better half loves them. Your better half has relationships (healthy or otherwise) with them. They will be a part of your marriage, no matter how far away they live. BE PREPARED. Get to know them. Find out what your spouse thinks of them. When in doubt, AGREE with your spouse. This is fertile ground for arguments that no one can win. If you're going to accept your spouse, warts and all, that means accepting their family – warts and all.

Hey – be kind. They have to accept yours, too.

;-)

So, Single Ones, let's recap.

Your life is empty and incomplete because you have no partner.

My life is perfect because I have one.

Right?

Oh, so wrong.

Finding the Love of Your Life will not end your problems. It will end your solitude (don't be surprised to discover later on that you crave that same solitude once in awhile). It will give you someone to share your dreams and fears with. It will give you someone warm to snuggle up with on cold nights (and to sleep as far apart from as possible on the hot ones). It will not “complete” you. It will not bring “absolute peace” to you. You are complete in and of yourself, or you might not be ready to join lives with someone else yet. There is no “absolute peace” anywhere, except within your own soul. And yet – I'm not trying at all to discourage you! There are wonderful things to be found in a good relationship. I wouldn't trade my marriage for “singlehood” at all. But remember – a lot of people would. Why? Because sometimes it works out, and sometimes, it doesn't. Some people expect their partner to have all of the answers, or to make up for their own insufficiencies Some are ready, some are not. Some people know that finding True Love is only the beginning, some don't. Some know that alone-ness is not synonymous with loneliness. Some don't.

Enjoy your dating years. Enjoy your single life while you have it. Enjoy a long engagement. Create magic when you can. (Even after marriage!) Get to know your partner as well as possible before the toilet-seat-up-or-down spats come. (If you have two bathrooms, why not make one the Men's [seat up] and the other the Women's [seat down]? Easy remedy.) INVEST in each other. When it's done right, your needs will be met, because your partner will see to them – which leaves you to concentrate on seeing to theirs.

Love is wonderful. Love is indescribable. Love is magical. Love is always the answer. ALWAYS.

As long as it's always putting someone else's needs first, it's love, and it's amazing.

But it's not about heroes and villains. It's not about black and white. It's not about who is right, or who is wrong. It's not about fault, blame, or how easy it's “supposed” to be. It's not even about “I found him/her! The worst is over!” And, it's not about “I'm in love! And s/he loves me! I have found the Answer!” No, that's just the beginning, not the Answer. It's work – sometimes hard work. But, it's the best and finest work you will ever do, if it's done right.

I'm such a complete.... !

Dear Mama K,

I'm such a complete failure! I've screwed up my life so badly, and made so many terrible mistakes. I'm so far gone, sometimes I feel like there's just no way back. Why even bother to try – there's no way I can go back and do it all over again, the right way. Is there any hope for me at this point?

Desperate and Lost

WHOA!~

Hold on there, “Desperate!”

Back off just a little. Please.

Stop.

Take a deep, cleansing breath.

Take a few more...

Now then. Ready?

Let's start at the beginning. You used an “F” bomb there that I just will not tolerate from you – or anyone else! No one walking this earth is a complete failure. In fact, I think that's a contradiction in terms. Think about it – if you were really a TOTAL failure, then you would have succeeded at failing, which would make that a success!

And there is simply NO way I'll accept that kind of language from you, anyway. You're how old? Twenty-three?

If we can't make mistakes, large and small, when we're young, then when exactly should we make them? When we're forty? Fifty? Sixty? I think it makes a lot more sense to “screw up” when we're young, and still getting a handle on life than when we're past the half-way mark. Believe me, we're human. We are GOING to make mistakes. Big ones. Little ones. Some that we don't even realize as we make them.

And please believe me – I'm pushing sixty, and I'm still very, very adept at making mistakes.

Now then. You don't explain what your horrible mistakes are, and why they make you feel despondent. But, for the sake of argument, let's say they are Biggies. You know, maybe even some of the Seven Deadlies. Remember them? I'll refresh your Sunday School memory for just a moment. According to the book of Proverbs, we have wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.

Okay then. So... have you been angry? Wanting? Lazy? Proud? Horny? Jealous? Have you even over-indulged? I have. I've done 'em ALL. (See? Once again, if you have, as well, you're a success! Scored 100%.) Now, far be it from me to pooh-pooh the Bible, but seriously... all of these things are common to humans. (Most likely why the Bible says they are so very wrong.) I'm not saying they are GOOD. They are HUMAN. And, all humans – I mean ALL of us, even the best person you can imagine, has done at least ONE of these so-called “deadly” things. (Kind of why the Bible mentions repentance and forgiveness, I'd say.)

Now then. Whatever it is you have done, whatever shortcoming you believe you have demonstrated, whatever sin you believe you've committed, please stop thinking it is the end of life as you know it. Not a single one of these things I've mentioned is uncorrectable. Not one. 

NOT. 

ONE.

Let's take a step back, okay? You're being so very hard on yourself. All is not lost. YOU are not Lost. You might be desperate, which is a terrible thing to feel. And you might be at the end of your rope – but I believe you can hang on a tiny bit longer. Long enough to realize that the ground is right under your feet, if only you'll look. You're being so cruel to yourself – and you would never, ever be that cruel to your best friend. So, let's take a step back. Pretend that we're talking about your best friend. Your best friend ever.

If she came up to you and said any of these things, would you beat her up like you're beating yourself up?

“I'm pregnant.”

“I'm addicted to (caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, meth, etc.).”

“I was so ticked off that I slapped ________.”

 “I'm the best thing ever. I can do no wrong.”

“I hate Susie Q. I wish I had what she has.”

“I haven't cleaned my house or even taken a shower in a week.”

Seriously – would you turn your back on your best friend for doing or feeling any of these things? Of course not. You'd talk to her. You'd reach out to her. You'd correct her, if she needed it. You'd hug her.

That's what I wish I could do right now. Hug you. Whatever you have done, it's done. You're right. We can't go back and undo things. We can't. Now then, since you can't go back and re-do whatever brought you to this point, what can you do?

Good question.

First, you can stop beating yourself up with hopelessness, because that isn't going to change the past, either. Then, maybe, just maybe, you can accept the fact that you're a human being. By nature, you're going to make mistakes. But you're also going to make a difference in the lives that you touch. Remember that. Humans are fallible. But they are treasures, too.

I know you love music – and, in particular, Hard Rock. So I propose that, just for a few minutes, you think of Jimmy “The Rev” Sullivan, from Avenged Sevenfold. I'm pretty sure that if I'm familiar with him, you are, too. He got caught in a downward spiral that took over his life, even as he was trying to escape it. 

I'm so proud of him for realizing where it was leading, and trying to get out of it. As you might know, his physical heart was flawed and weak, and it gave out at the tender age of 28, never to beat again. In part, because it was flawed, and no one knew it. In part, because the lifestyle he was living took a great toll on it. And it was tragic. At times, he most likely did feel as desperate as his lyrics sounded. Now think a moment. Did he touch your life? Did at least one of their songs reach your heart? Was his life wasted?

By no means.

And neither is yours, my friend. Neither is yours.

You have touched me in many ways – with your contagious smile, with your sense of fun, with your generous heart that is so very vulnerable. Maybe that's what has brought you to this point, huh? Being human also means being vulnerable. We all hurt, we all suffer to some extent, we all die. We are born as vulnerable as can be. Then we hit that phase where we feel absolutely indestructible, right? Oh, I remember that phase! (Sometimes quite fondly, sometimes thanking God I made it through.) And now, you're in a new phase. The phase where you are so very, very aware that you are, as Teilhard de Chardin said, “a spiritual being having a human experience.”

Now, please. Please. PLEASE.

Whatever it is that you've done, said, or felt, that has brought you to this point, do not consider the action a definition of YOU. It is not your “definition.” You are not simply the sum total of the things you have done in your life. None of us is only that. We are complex, fascinating, dazzling beings full of gifts, talents, and, oh, yes – weaknesses. But one thing you are NOT, my dear, is whatever it is you have done. Whichever of the Seven Deadlies you might have committed, even if all of them – that isn't YOU. It's just something you've done. 

You are not the grade on your term paper. 

You aren't even the term paper! 

You're the writer – the crafter – the creator. That's what you are.

Now then... maybe you have some things to deal with. Addiction? (I hope not, but it's still something that can be dealt with.) Pregnant? (Again, I hope not, but there are answers.) Lust? Greed? Envy? Anger? Whatever it is, there is one thing that I think is far worse – your idea that your situation is hopeless. There is always room for hope. Hope is truly eternal. Hope is what makes you get up in the morning (or whenever), no matter what happened the night before. (I know, sometimes it's your bladder that makes you do that, but please let me have this one.)

Hope and a smile.

And a hug.

That's what I beg, beg, beg you to please find today. I don't even ask that you find the answer to your unnamed problem right now. Just hope. And a smile. Even if it makes your face crack. Find SOMETHING or SOMEONE that makes you smile. And let it happen. Smiling is natural. ALL people all over the world smile. Please. Today, be one of them. It lights up your face like a spotlight shot through a diamond. 

Please do that for me today. If nothing else, look at a picture of Jonathan. I have yet to meet a person who can't smile back at that beautiful, innocent face.

And then remember who you are to him. You are someone who has made HIM smile. You have given HIM the gift of hope. You can't give someone something that you don't have.

There it is! I see it. Right there... look! Your Hope. See it? You just forgot where you'd put it.

I love you.

Please, no matter what, please love you, too. 

Love,

Mama K

The Gift of Helplessness

There was a Meeting in Heaven. 

Several angels and other souls were present, along with the usual Council members. It was time to prepare some souls for their journeys on Earth. Several Council members spoke about various topics, in hopes that these unique souls would truly grasp the missions that they were about to undertake.

“When you first emerge in your physical form, you will still feel very connected to This Side; which, ironically they call the Other Side.” (A low chuckle ran through the room.) “As time goes by – and it goes by very differently from the way it passes here – you will find that the fine line between Here and There becomes thicker, harder to penetrate. Your memory of this time and this place will grow dim, until it becomes merely a notion that you actually “belong” somewhere else – somewhere better. This happens to all souls that inhabit physical bodies. You won't even notice it happening.”

“But, in your cases, there will be a difference. Because of the extraordinary lives that you will live, the fine line won't be quite as thick as it is for most humans. You will much more easily maintain contact with angels and spirit beings,  and This Side. There is a reason for this – not only will your needs be different during your lifetimes, but your missions there are unique, as well. Hence, the blessing of never feeling completely out of touch with True Reality. Most humans end up believing that Earth life is Reality. In fact, This Side is Reality – Earth life is Fiction. You, the few, will be able to recall this when your lives are difficult, and your trials numerous. This blessing, we grant unto you all.”

As the meeting wore on, the time eventually came for each soul to receive a Personal Blessing before departing the vast Glory they knew so well, for the unknown and untried territory of Earth life. One by one, they sat in the Seat of Blessing, and received the Gifts that that would help them most in life. They understood that this happens to all souls – but that their Gifts would be unique and enhanced – magnified, if you will.

Finally, there was one soul left to bless, and send on his way. Three angels who were magnificent beyond description stood behind the Seat of Blessing, and gestured to the soul, who approached with humility and grace. He was so excited to be on his way to Earth life, and the experiences that awaited him there! He sat humbly in the Seat, and bowed his head slightly, as he felt the angels lay their hands upon his head – the Chief Angel among them speaking in a deep, gentle, yet powerful voice.

“You shall be called Jonathan, which means 'Gift from God.' To this family, you will be truly a gift of the Most High. Your mother has been told that she is barren – can have no children ever. You will be a miracle to her, and to your father - who chose your name when he was still a boy, in anticipation of a son to carry on his name. They will rejoice at your birth, and you will feel that joy. As time passes, your parents will realize that you are very different from the son they were expecting to have. Beautiful, yes. Very special to them, yes. You shall grow and be joyful, but you shall not carry on your father's name. You will not walk. You will not speak. No matter how many Earth years pass, you will remain a virtual babe in arms.

“I give you the Gift of Helplessness.”

The soul wondered to himself, “the Gift of Helplessness? What kind of Gift is that? I saw others receiving much better Gifts!”

The angel continued.

“This Gift with which I endow you is mysterious and poorly understood. You are aware of the Contract that you have affirmed; that you would be born with special needs not common to most humans. You have agreed to enter Earth life in this state, with all of the accompanying trials and virtues that it entails. The Gift of Helplessness is one of the greatest Gifts. While you are unable to become independent, or live what they consider a normal life, you will be giving of yourself at all times. Your Helplessness will aid not only your family, but also everyone you meet, in giving them an opportunity to grow and develop far beyond the scope they can imagine. Your Gift will allow others to choose to assist you, and in so doing, learn extraordinary lessons that are hidden to most humans. They will learn what is truly important. They will learn how to give service unconditionally. They will learn Sacrifice in ways that others can only dream of. These priceless lessons come through your Gift of Helplessness, and the sacrifice that you are making in trusting them to see to your every need; just as all do, in infancy.

“Along with the Gift of Helplessness, I endow you with Joy. Joy in the smallest of things. Joy in living an Earth life devoid of worry, stress, temptations of the flesh, crises of faith, and fear. You cannot begin to understand what it means to feel fear – and you will never, ever have to.

“It gives me joy beyond measure to give you your final Gift. This Gift is given to a very select few who inhabit the Earth. I now bestow upon you the Gift of Returning to Glory – guaranteed. Your Gift of Helplessness assures that you will return Home, to This Side, no matter how long or short your Earth life is, no matter what occurs during that lifetime, no matter what your circumstances may be while you are there. You shall return whole, complete, unscarred, and unsoiled from sin or error.”

Jonathan felt the angel grin broadly, even though he could not see him.

He also felt a warmth and peace the likes of which he had never known. Gone was his confusion about his Gifts. Gone was his concern about whether or not he really could live up to his Life Contract. He knew – knew – that he would take these Gifts and give his parents, their family, their friends, and even strangers to them, everything he could to help them achieve the highest level of Life possible.

Just as the angels lifted their hands from his head, and he opened his eyes, a smaller, more feminine soul approached him. His best friend on This Side! How did she come to be here, at the end of the Meeting? Well, no matter! He rushed into her arms for a hug, filled with excitement about entering his time on Earth.

As they embraced, the angel spoke one more time.

“We have noticed that you and this wise soul have spent much time together here, in love and devotion. She has affirmed her Life Contract recently, as well, and will be departing in about two Earth years' time for life on Earth, as well.” They exchanged huge grins of shared joy at the news. “Jonathan, meet your sister. At her request, she has Contracted to watch over you and be your Earth life companion. She will help you in your journey on Earth. This, she does willingly and gleefully.”

Jonathan and his soon-to-be sister hugged each other tightly, and jumped up and down with excitement. Oh! To share his Earth time with his best friend! Surely, she would make his sacrifices easier to bear, his lonely silences ring with laughter, and his times of desperation seem like mere moments.

The angel touched Jonathan on the shoulder, and his best friend released him from her embrace.

“It is time.”

Relationships 102 - When Your Friend Chooses a Loser...

Dear Mama K;
My best friend is in a very serious relationship with a man who literally scares me. I mean, I honestly fear for her safety. When she and I see each other, I don't know if I want to smack some sense into her, or just throw up my hands and let the whole friendship go. Seriously, I can't deal with this guy, and the choices she's making because of him. I don't want to lose her friendship, but I just can't watch her destroy her life for this guy. But their relationship is destroying our friendship! What can I do?"
Signed,
Distraught and Fed Up

Dear Distraught;
Wow. 
Because you bring up fearing for her safety (and I assume you mean her physical safety), this isn't as easy as it might be. By that, I mean that if you don't "approve" of your best friend's boyfriend, well... it's really none of your business is it? I mean, you don't belong in her intimate life any more than she belongs in yours. My answer would be fairly simple - do what parents do when agonizing over their child's choices. Take deep breaths, count to a thousand as many times as you have to, keep loving her, keep lines of communication open, don't judge her, and be there for her when this all falls apart. (It usually does, eventually.)

But you brought up her safety. Sigh...
I'm assuming that you have information that leads you to believe that he will eventually (if he hasn't already) physically hurt her. Now, THAT... that is a problem. And there is no simple answer. So, I guess I'll ask YOU a few questions, since what I think we're really dealing with here is your friendship with her. (She's not going to break up with someone just because you don't like him. So, that isn't an option we can discuss.)

1)  Do you cherish her, and want to keep her as a friend?
2) If and when things go south for them, do you want her to know that she can come to you for help or advice?
3) Are you aware that if this guy really is a frightening man, that one of his goals is to cause exactly what is happening to your friendship? If he really is "that kind of guy," isolating her from her loved ones is one of the first steps towards control and domination of her. With that in mind, can you let him do that to you? Oh, he might be able to do that to her - but will you let him do it to YOU? 
4) Obviously the topic of their relationship is the friction point in your friendship. Is there a way that you can tell her in a caring way about your true fears for her (which she will most likely reject), and ask her to please just not talk about him too much when you're with her? (Most assuredly, you don't want to spend time with them together socially...) 
5) (And this is the hard one!) Can you separate your relationship with her from her relationship with him? By that, I mean, can you stop taking her choice of this detrimental man as if she were purposely forcing him on YOU?  Because, in all reality, she's not doing this to YOU. So, can you find a way to take a couple of steps back, distance yourself from her love life, and still be her friend?
6) (And this is the crucial one!) Can you love her unconditionally? I mean, can you love her despite her choices that you obviously feel are not only ridiculous, but dangerous? Can you be the Friend she can turn to when she eventually needs your help to get out of this, and to get through it?

I don't take these questions lightly, nor do I believe that you do. They are serious considerations. They are virtually the same questions I'd ask parents who were concerned about their daughter or son in a similar situation. (Not that I think it's your job to parent her!) 

In the end, maybe it all comes down to how much stress this situation causes you, and how much you can handle. If you're losing sleep over it, then you need to create some boundaries. (Especially since I imagine that she's blissfully making future plans with this guy, ignoring all of the red flags that are so patently obvious to you, while you're agonizing over it.) It's one thing to be a great friend, and offer unconditional love. It's quite another to sacrifice your own sanity over something over which you have absolutely no control. 

Talk to her. Tell her your concerns, and WHY they are concerns. If she insists on pursuing this relationship despite your fears for her, then your hands are tied. You can't make her see what she refuses to see. You can only point out the reasons for your concerns, and then let her make her own choices. Let's face it - she's not ready to give him up, so those choices are pretty predictable. Once you've had that conversation, you can choose to create some boundaries that will help you keep both the friendship and your sanity intact. 

You can agree to remain close friends, as long as he's not part of your conversations; you can agree to disagree; or you can take a "vacation" from that friendship until you can find a way to distance yourself from taking her relationship with him, personally. She really isn't choosing him in order to drive you mad - this isn't directed at you at all. She's just trying to be loved. Okay, okay, I agree. Maybe she's accepting a cheap imitation of love. But that's hers to discover, in her own time, and in her own way.

No matter how you choose to handle this, I think it's incumbent upon me to urge you to let her know that she can ALWAYS turn to you if she ends up in a situation with him that is scary, dangerous, or life-threatening. Should that day come, she's going to need that One Friend she can rely upon to help her, love her, and maybe even rescue her. Should that day never come, then we'll all give thanks, and be grateful that somehow, those red flags were erroneous. (I'm not saying that they are, I'm just hoping for the best.)

I wish there were an easy answer to this. Unfortunately, there never is. Being in pain because someone you love is being self-destructive is extremely difficult, very hard to manage, and impossible to resolve easily. It's like watching someone you love stand smack in the middle of the freeway playing dodge-the-cars. You can scream and warn and wave your hands like crazy, but you can't take the risk of running out into the middle of the freeway yourself to drag him or her out of traffic. And, in this case, you're not going to be able to stop traffic, either. 

So, scream and warn and wave your hands - then stop watching her "dodge traffic." Just... pray to the One who can truly do something about this, and STOP WATCHING. I know that's nearly impossible, but you must. Your heart and mind need the break. Turn around. Walk away. Whatever it takes. Just stop watching.

Tough love is the hardest love to feel, or to give. 
I'm sorry.

Love,
Mama K