Relationships 103 - Marriage vs. Singlehood

Ahhhhhh... the misconceptions of the unmarried!

While speaking with friends who are still single, I've discovered that there are still myriad misconceptions about married life – or attached life – that truly need a little addressing.

Before we go much further, we need to talk about this whole “happily ever after” thing.

So -

Stop.

Put the fairy tale down.

Put it... Put... Come on, ALL the way down. No, back on the shelf, actually. Go on, do it.

Sigh...

Man! That was really hard to do, wasn't it?

No more Disney princess movies or Grimm's Fairy Tales for you. OMIGOSH! No.

Let's be honest. When you say to me, “ But that's easy for you to say! You have someone!” I have to respectfully respond, “BWAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!”

Seriously? You think that once there's a ring on a finger or a shared house, all is well? All of the hard work is done? That you'll never, ever again be fearful, insecure, upset, or just plain confused? Oh, Sweetie... you're so wrong! NOTHING in a relationship is just smooth and easy. Nothing.

Loving someone, well, that CAN be easy. I mean, love is something that should come pretty naturally to all of us. While we often confuse things like attraction, lust, friendship, and crushes with love; real love is something that actually does “just happen.” At least, most of the time. We love our mom, dad, sibling, friend, dog, cat, gerbil – we really do. When we feel a devotion to someone's well-being that supersedes our own self-interest, we're experiencing real love. When someone else does that for us, it's wonderful (unless, of course, we don't feel that way for that person – then it's just awkward). And sometimes, it's even magical.

For the sake of argument, let's say that you've found someone you're crazy about, you're in love with, you adore, and he (or she) feels the same way about you. “Well,” you think, “Game over! I've won! The hardest part is done!”

Oh, my dear...

While our fairy tale minds want to believe that everything in relationships is black and white, there are way more than “fifty shades” of gray to deal with in a relationship. Disney and Grimm would have us believe that there are villains and heroes – and nothing in-between. Wow. If only! Then again, it's that kind of thinking that sets us up for horrible mistakes in a relationship. Because then, we start to believe that when there's a difference of opinion about something, one of us is “right,” and the other one is “wrong.” When it happens more frequently (and it will!), then one of us is “good,” and the other one, by default, must be “evil.”

WHOA!

What could be more destructive than that kind of thinking?

Yes, we love each other, but we don't always agree. Neither one of us is inherently wrong, and neither one of us is always right. Sometimes, there are TWO right answers. WHAT? No, really. Think about it for a moment. Let's say that we're going to the store. There are three ways to get there. I prefer to go one way, he prefers to go another way. (And that still leaves yet ANOTHER way to get there!) Here's the hard part. NEITHER one of us is right or wrong. Nope. Doesn't matter which route is shorter, or which one has less traffic, or which one has a better neighborhood, or which one has a prettier view. ALL of the ways to get there are “the right way.”

This is true for so many things in life, I can't possibly mention them all here.

But, if we cling to the idea that someone always has to be right, which means that anyone who disagrees always has to be wrong, we're eroding our relationship one stupid opinion at a time. (Not that your opinion is stupid; but most of the time, these choices just don't have enough value to be worth eating away at how we really feel about each other.)
Which leads me to that horrible term, “Blame.”

Oh... my... gosh.

Millions of people (I'm not exaggerating here) believe that everything that happens in life is SOMEONE'S fault. If it's not THEIR fault, it's someone else's fault.

WHAT?

Sometimes... now, I'll be gentle here, because this is a new concept for some... it's nobody's fault.

I'll give you a moment to let that one kind of soak in slowly.

Let's say that a pipe bursts in the house. It got old, or had a weakness, and splash! It broke. Nobody's fault. (Shhhhh! Don't even start with it had to be the manufacturer. Stop.)

Let's say that a raccoon got into the trash outside. The trash can had a lid, and no one even knew there was a raccoon in the neighborhood. It's a royal mess, but it's nobody's fault.

Let's say that your child was born (God forbid!) with a genetic disability no one's ever heard of. Nope! Nobody's fault, no matter whose set of DNA it's related to.

Just for fun, let's say that a tire goes flat. You find a nail in the tire. Your spouse was driving today, and he or she never saw the invisible nail in the road, while zipping around at 45-miles-per-hour. Guess what? No one's fault.

Because, at the end of the day, it's NOBODY'S fault the vast majority of the time that crap happens. It just happens. And while we're ever so busy looking for someone to blame for every single bad thing that happens, NO ONE IS FIXING IT. We're too busy arguing about who is to blame.

Now then, if I am the one who is supposed to do the laundry, and it's not done, there ya go. It's my fault. And I'll apologize. (And do the laundry!) And, if it's his job to mow the lawn, and it starts looking like Jungle Jeff could host a show in our back yard, okay. It's his fault it's not done. (And he'll do it!) But neither scenario is worth a knock-down, drag-out fight. Seriously. Why? Because we're HUMAN. We are going to screw up sometimes, but we love each other – which should be a helluva lot more important than a forgotten chore.

And therein lies the Big Mystery.

Being in a committed, dedicated, devoted relationship is not a solution – it's a beginning. It's a process. It's the blending of two very distinct and different lives into a harmonious blend of both. Sometimes, one cedes to the other – (if he likes whole wheat bread, and you like white, but can afford only one kind this week, maybe you can agree to alternate each week). Sometimes, there is a hashing out of ideas and opinions - and an agreement to disagree yet keep on going without recriminations can be reached. (Let's say he's a Pagan, and I'm a devout Atheist – we agree that we have different beliefs, and allow each other to embrace our beliefs, without ridicule or criticism.) Occasionally, there's a problem that is too big to agree about right off the bat. (Your child has a serious illness, and the doctors disagree about the treatment. You also disagree. The facts have to be weighed, the child's welfare considered, and your own peace of mind comes into the equation as well. This is not something that can be solved in an hour. Accept that, and be willing to hear and study EVERYTHING before trying to reach an agreement. If there is no time, and it's an emergency, handle the emergency the best possible way first – then talk about the rest of the treatment.)

THEN... there are the in-laws.

Oh... Yes. The extended family. Remember when you were all starry-eyed, and thought that nothing could possibly come between you? Well, single friends, BEAR THIS IN MIND always. When you marry someone, you marry their whole family. Oh yes, you do. You DO. And you better not only get to know them, you better come to care about them. Your better half loves them. Your better half has relationships (healthy or otherwise) with them. They will be a part of your marriage, no matter how far away they live. BE PREPARED. Get to know them. Find out what your spouse thinks of them. When in doubt, AGREE with your spouse. This is fertile ground for arguments that no one can win. If you're going to accept your spouse, warts and all, that means accepting their family – warts and all.

Hey – be kind. They have to accept yours, too.

;-)

So, Single Ones, let's recap.

Your life is empty and incomplete because you have no partner.

My life is perfect because I have one.

Right?

Oh, so wrong.

Finding the Love of Your Life will not end your problems. It will end your solitude (don't be surprised to discover later on that you crave that same solitude once in awhile). It will give you someone to share your dreams and fears with. It will give you someone warm to snuggle up with on cold nights (and to sleep as far apart from as possible on the hot ones). It will not “complete” you. It will not bring “absolute peace” to you. You are complete in and of yourself, or you might not be ready to join lives with someone else yet. There is no “absolute peace” anywhere, except within your own soul. And yet – I'm not trying at all to discourage you! There are wonderful things to be found in a good relationship. I wouldn't trade my marriage for “singlehood” at all. But remember – a lot of people would. Why? Because sometimes it works out, and sometimes, it doesn't. Some people expect their partner to have all of the answers, or to make up for their own insufficiencies Some are ready, some are not. Some people know that finding True Love is only the beginning, some don't. Some know that alone-ness is not synonymous with loneliness. Some don't.

Enjoy your dating years. Enjoy your single life while you have it. Enjoy a long engagement. Create magic when you can. (Even after marriage!) Get to know your partner as well as possible before the toilet-seat-up-or-down spats come. (If you have two bathrooms, why not make one the Men's [seat up] and the other the Women's [seat down]? Easy remedy.) INVEST in each other. When it's done right, your needs will be met, because your partner will see to them – which leaves you to concentrate on seeing to theirs.

Love is wonderful. Love is indescribable. Love is magical. Love is always the answer. ALWAYS.

As long as it's always putting someone else's needs first, it's love, and it's amazing.

But it's not about heroes and villains. It's not about black and white. It's not about who is right, or who is wrong. It's not about fault, blame, or how easy it's “supposed” to be. It's not even about “I found him/her! The worst is over!” And, it's not about “I'm in love! And s/he loves me! I have found the Answer!” No, that's just the beginning, not the Answer. It's work – sometimes hard work. But, it's the best and finest work you will ever do, if it's done right.